FOR MEHAR

(My son who just turned 6)

You enchant me you intrigue me, you make me, oh! so mad,
But in everything that you do, you are the leading lad!
The sun rushes out to greet you, to take a little brightness from you,
For the brightest shining star in the whole universe is you!

I've had my days of doubt, and I've had my days of pain,
But having you, my baby, has never been in vain!
You've taught me to face life head-on, no matter what happens, just go on!
You've forced me to face my faults, with your entire army of wants,
I've wanted to escape it, but you've taught me, 'Just Do It'!

The charming mischief, the impish smile, that naughty sobriety,
A little bit of this and a whole lot of that, isn't our life filled with variety?!
You laugh, you cry, you jump, you run,
I live a myriad lifetimes, for you it's all just fun!
Each breath I take, you're caught in it, I breathe life that much more,
For you are God's angel sent to me, the one that I adore.

The whole world turns to look at you, your joy and charm abound,
This world spins just to make you go around, this universe is your merry-go-round!
Your conversation flows around us, like falling leaves from trees,
I bend to pick up one of those, I'm covered up to my knees!
Your laughter spreads like wildfire, your mischief makes us sweat,
Our tired eyes adore you, your sleep brings us blessed rest!

Now hush, and listen carefully, to my blessing, my advice -
From the inside nourish the outside, from the outside reap rich rewards,
Heaven and earth are waiting to shower you, with the knowledge you go towards.
Your life will be rich and fulfilling, I see that promise and strength in you,
Our love-filled hearts bless you with happiness, and your troubles will be few.

Let your body and heart grow bigger and stronger, let your mind be a precious gem,
For the world is big and strong, my son, you're just bigger and stronger than them!
So dazzle us with your name, with the light of a million suns,
For MEHAR you are, God's blessing to us, we're a few of the lucky ones!

OUR BODY-THE ONLY PLACE WE EVER LIVE IN!

I had broadly mentioned the various components of physical development, the first being fitness. The word speaks for itself, and the best way to stay healthy is to stay fit. Most of us have the general impression that to stay fit means to eat well. That is only a part of fitness. Regular movement and physical exercise is a basic necessity for children for proper growth. They also need to express their sense of play and to have an outlet for their boundless energy. Physical exercise should be an essential part of a child's routine. They can get it through sports, games, calisthenics, aerobics, yoga, dance, martial arts like kalaripayattu, karate, etc.
Apart from the movement of the body and its limbs, the sense organ development in children is extremely important. Our sense organs include the eyes, ears, nose, skin and tongue. We usually take these for granted and don't really do much to develop these faculties. However, a musician has a finer sense of sound than others, an artist has a keener sense of form, light and texture than others. If we develop our senses to a finer degree, we can have a richer experience of life. It helps to enhance our creativity and we look for ways to improve our surroundings. Through increased sensitivity, we find a greater appreciation as well as need for beauty, sensibility and aesthetics in our lives. Children are already more aware of the sights and sounds around them than us. If we teach our children to be more aware of what they see, hear, smell, taste and touch, we will open out a whole new world to them. This will help them to develop alertness and attention, observation and perception, sensitivity and sensibility. A very deep and great way to help children do this are 'Mindfulness' exercises. This subject will take up the length of a whole article, but here I'll just say that it just means learning the art of living in the present moment, being aware and taking it all in. These are some wonderful and simple techniques which are meant for children and adults alike. More on this later.
Another aspect of fitness that we completely miss or ignore in the growing-up years of our children is physical self-expression. Although we feel proud when our child does something well like dance, or draw, or recite poetry, or sing, but oftentimes, that is the extent of our appreciation or involvement. We just let it be at that, instead of realizing that the child is trying to express himself/herself through these media, and a recognition of talent or expression should lead us to help the child to develop and hone these creative instincts. Physical self-expression is an awareness of and joy in one's body. A child delights in constant movement because it is an expression of their 'self'. This freeing and loosening of the body also leads to an expansion and openness of character and personality. Children explore the world through their body and that is why they are physically more free than us. They should be encouraged to channel this energy into activities such as dance, yoga, drama, gymnastics, etc. which help to develop creative and artistic self-expression. Through free-form movements, children can be encouraged to devise their own natural and creative movements. They can be taught to enjoy movement, to control and develop their body to achieve higher creativity, to feel the rhythm through music, to express imagination and creativity through the outlets like theatre, pantomime, etc. I have often seen even shy and under-confident children just change character when they are doing a creative activity of their liking. The transformation is like magic!
Through physical activities and exercise, children not only learn how to keep their bodies healthy, but they also learn of their own physical potential, and identify their own means of expression. They learn to see the world as an extension of themselves, their senses helping them to develop a kinship with the beauty and sensibilities of the world around them. Their own bodies can then be used as a medium to interact with the world and the more they develop these faculties, the more they will understand the order and beauty of Nature. It brings about a sense be of oneness and belonging with everything and everyone around them, as every physical being has some form of manifestation, and an understanding of one's own physicality can lead to a greater and wider understanding of others'. In my personal experience, I have observed that a lot of people excel in academics and careers, but the ones who stand out or seem more happy and successful than their counterparts always, are the ones who have sports, dance, etc. as a part of their lives. Their personalities seem better-balanced and their lives are more multi-faceted. One such person I have come across is Capt. Sangwan, who is a neighbour and a good friend. What attracts most people to him is his personality, his love of life and a love of physical fitness! He is a Kargil war-hero, has one prosthetic leg, but his never-say-die spirit inspires us all. His love of sports, games, dance, all of this keeps him fit and ready-to-go all the time. Despite his busy work schedule, he finds time to stay fit, and in my opinion, this is the reason he is not only fit in body, but also in mind.
This is the right age, as children, to discover the value of the one and only body we've been given, to be grateful for it, to appreciate it, to love it, to develop it, to nurture it, to realize its full potential, and above all, to always keep it healthy and fit.

'FOOD' FOR THOUGHT

Moving ahead on the topic of 'integrated development, I would now like to touch upon food and nutrition. None of us can survive without the basic necessities of air, water and food, out of which food is the only one which we actually have to make an effort for. If you look closely enough, all the efforts that we ever make in our lives are primarily for food. When we don't have enough, we want to work hard to get enough. When we have too much, we enjoy it to the fullest and sometimes even beyond it! When we have sick people, we want to give them the right kind to make them get better. And when we have children, we promise ourselves we are going to make the best and most available to them, because it is a sign of our love for them. It gives us a purpose, it brings us fulfillment and we can peacefully go to bed at night if our children's stomachs are full! That is the measure we use for ourselves as far as providing for our children is concerned.
And all this is not without a reason. What we put into our bodies has a great impact on us physically, even mentally and emotionally. It affects our nature, personality, thinking, actions, everything. So we need to make ourselves aware, especially for our children's sake, what is good and what is not good, what we absolutely must have and what we should surely avoid.
We hear the words 'balanced diet' thrown around often enough, but what do they really mean? What are the ingredients? Let's find out. Our body needs carbohydrates, proteins, calcium, fats, vitamins, mineral salts, fibre and even water. Carbohydrates are the source of energy. They are essential to keep us energetic and active. Proteins are also absolutely essential. Proteins are turned into amino-acids by our digestive system before they enter our blood. They are necessary for the growth of our body and for repairing injured or worn-out cells. Fat is also a source of energy. Just by avoiding fat, we cannot avoid putting on weight. Carbohydrates and proteins can also turn into fat as they all have the same basic composition. So what is more important is to eat the right kind of foods and in the right amounts. Mineral salts such as iron, calcium, sodium and iodine are necessary for different things. Fibre is for good digestion and skin. Water is required to flush out the waste products and remove the toxins. It is a total cleanser. Eating a balanced diet means choosing a wide variety of foods and drinks from all the food groups. It also means eating certain things in moderation.
Carbohydrates are found in starches, sugars and fibres, Unrefined starchy foods like whole-meal bread, rice and pasta and potatoes in their skin, are considered to be the best as they contain more vitamins and fibre and regulate the release of energy. Refined sugar and products containing it are termed as “empty calories” because they do not contain any nutrients. In contrast, natural sugars present in fruits and vegetables are healthy. These carbohydrates should make up at least 40-50 percent of our diet.
Next on the list are proteins. Milk, milk products, beans, nuts, grains, soy and wheat germ all contain protein. They should account for about 20-30 percent of our diet.
Fats should not be excluded from the diet, only saturated fat, trans fat, cholesterol and refined sugar are to be avoided. Polysaturated fats, which are mainly got from plants, are considered to be more beneficial. Milk, butter, cheese, soy oil, olive oil, all contain fats. Fats should account for at least 30 percent of our diet.
No praise sung about vitamins and proteins can be sufficient. From fighting infection and aiding bone growth, to promoting cell production and boosting the immune system, vitamins are vital for the human body. Vitamin A and Riboflavin are found in milk, butter and vegetables, Thiamin in whole grain nuts and seeds, Niacin is found in milk, Vitamin B6 is found in spinach, broccoli and bananas, Vitamin C is found in green vegetables and citrus fruits, vitamin D is found in milk, Vitamin E is found in vegetables, rice, and bran, and Vitamin K is found in wheat germ, vegetable oil and whole grain bread and cereal.
Minerals like calcium which are necessary for bone growth and healthy teeth, copper which is required for the metabolism of iron, iron itself, magnesium which is involved with the functioning of the nerves and spinal cords, and sodium, potassium, phosphorous and zinc can be found either in milk, grains, vegetables, fruits, cereals, yogurt or wheat germ. Drinking the proverbial 8 glasses a day of water is a must.
Balanced diet also means eating at the right time and not skipping meals. Regular moderate exercise will ensure that you look good and feel good. The balanced diet works best when food is cooked and eaten in a non-stressful environment. All this does not imply that a balanced diet is boring and uninteresting. It only means ensuring that you get the right variety of foods in your diet. An occasional treat can always be on the cards!
Before we get into good eating habits and how to get children to eat everything, I thought we needed to identify what we are aiming for. Once this information seeps through, we can go ahead and devise ways in how to achieve a balanced and healthy diet, and hence, an actual balance in our lives.

INTEGRATED DEVELOPMENT IN CHILDREN - WHAT IT MEANS

I have spoken about the 'integrated' development of a child many times, and I would like to peel off the layers one by one. I say layers, because our 'being' is in layers, and the deeper layers need the most attention. Each layer needs its own food to nourish it, but it needs a step-by-step approach. If our physical, emotional and intellectual layers of the personality work at cross-purposes, they only produce problems, and hence, a 'disintegrated' or 'disharmonious' individual. If we want melody instead of cacophony, we need to start as early with our children as possible. If we think of our own upbringing, most of us were brought up in well-meaning but somehow, imbalanced circumstances. Some households gave too much attention to food and physical health, others only to studies and making the children slog, while many others believed in the philosophy of 'Don't worry, be happy' too much. Others still believed in too much religious activities, while others did not believe much in religion and spirituality at all.
I have hardly come across very well-balanced individuals of my generation, barring a few, and by talking to everyone, I just figured out that whatever the parents were most comfortable with, that was the philosophy followed in most households. The reasons for doing or not doing things were mostly not questioned or bothered with, and things were mostly convenience-based. Which is perhaps a good road to take, till the children grow up and start displaying their own personalities. That is a jolting experience for the parents, feeling more like Dr. Frankenstein, and then the blame-games begin. The society is to be blamed, the school, the education system, the neighbourhood, the children's friends, their parents, the one bad summer holiday, the news on television, the economy, the roadside vendors, the grandparents, you name it, and all of them are to be blamed!! Except the parents of course, because how could they have brought up their children in a way that lacks something! I agree, all parents try to bring up their children to the best of their ability and knowledge, but the lack comes from never thinking about the processes involved right from conception through the growing years of a child.
I call these decisions because everything you adopt or reject, shapes your child's and your life forever. But the process of rejecting and accepting can only come into play when you actually question and consider each preconceived notion and belief you've ever had. So let us all take a decision to start thinking about everything we can possibly do right in the upbringing of our children. And what better time to start than Now?
Let's begin with the physical aspect. We have all been told a million times that 'Health is Wealth', 'A healthy mind only resides in a healthy body', 'Health is more precious than all the gold in the world', etc. A famous Sanskrit saying goes 'Sariram khalu dharmasadhanam' (The body is the means of fulfillment of 'dharma'.) This is absolutely true- without a healthy body, there can be no mental or spiritual growth. This means good health and fitness, including the education, awareness and discipline necessary to achieve it. Most of us take health for granted – we very often assume it to be an absence of illness. In the modern day, even the presence of a few illnesses is not alarming enough for people to change their ways. It is only when we are afflicted by some serious illness, like diabetes, heart problem, blood pressure, etc. that we start to pay attention to our physical condition, diet and exercise.
Childhood is the period of actual physical growth, and the time when great attention and care needs to be taken for the child's growth. All the major and minor organs, the bones, muscles, nervous, circulatory, endocrine, immune and other systems are either growing or getting activated. A child's body is more a trial run for all these systems, and they come into full play as adults. What we put into a child's body is, thus, going to make the adults we are. Parents, schools and educators now have to take a more positive and dynamic approach towards children's health. This implies a discipline of the body that the child has to learn and understand how to use his/her body. A routine must be developed for this purpose, as well as a sense of security and respect for their own bodies. Besides the understanding of health and related aspects, children must also understand the internal working and care of their systems. There should be proper nourishment for the body and a simultaneous education about proper nutrition. Children have to be taught the relationship between their bodies and the environment and society. The major components of Physical Development are: physical fitness, nutrition, hygiene, physical grooming, health education and health assessment. Each of these is a vast subject by itself, and the first aspect, physical fitness, is what I would like to elaborate on next time. Till then, keep writing, take care!

You cannot discover new oceans, unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

You may have discovered by now that I am very fond of quotes by famous people and the not-so-famous people. I like to make a note of it whenever I come across anything interesting like this, while reading something, and then refer to it when I feel the need. So you wonderful people get to read new ones every week! I found the above-mentioned quote very apt for the excitement and adventure that I, along with twenty children and a few adults, had on this weekend gone by. I had mentioned an overnight camping and adventure trip that we were going to take, a few articles back. We went on a trip to Hathipaon (near Mussoorie), where a good friend, Rajeev, has been running an adventure camp for many years. Well, this past weekend was a revelation in many ways, to me as well as the children who went along. It was a trip where the adults went back to being children and the children were almost like adults! The children's ages ranged from 5-16, and each of them surprised me in their own way!
Despite their difference in ages, what was common was that none of them had been on an overnight trip like this without their parents, slept in tents before, taken care of their own belongings and valuables, hiked for so many kilometres (a lot of them uphill!)! They climbed steep rocks, did rappelling, monkey-crawling, walking across rope-bridges, night-walking, finding their way back just with compass directions and a few clues, bird watching, astronomy and star-gazing, tent-pitching,....! It was amazing! Not one of the kids, not even the five-year old, stayed out of any activity! I had expected some falling out, but the children's eagerness, their bravery, confidence and determination to try out new things, was a most welcome surprise! Needless to say, all of us had a great time, some of it hilarious even, when I was up on the rope-bridge, the bridge shaking violently because of my shaky legs! The children had a great laugh at my expense, of course!
I came back from this trip a lot wiser about children, and what they are capable of. And what I also realized that it is we adults, who under-estimate their strength and capacity, be it physical, mental or emotional. There were many scraped knees and arms, but not a word of complaint. There were hungry stomachs and tired limbs, but hardly a sign of discontent. There were disagreements and in-fighting but even more camaraderie and new friendships. The older children automatically kept an eye on the younger ones, while the younger ones managed remarkably to be responsible. My own son, who is just over five, managed to get dressed, sleep in a bag, keep things in his rucksack, not lose anything, all on his own! I was so proud of him and the two other seven-year olds.
The activity where the children were sent off in different teams with only a knowledge of how to read the compass and a few clues, went off remarkably well. The children showed great team-work and determination to win, and took their tasks seriously. It was something to watch! The excitement was palpable and sleep was miles away, even late into the night. And only a few hours of sleep later, (with the dogs and I keeping watch!), they were up with the birds at 5.00 (completely ignoring my groans of dismay!) They ran off into the mountains at that early hour to play hide-and-seek (with me dragging myself along, while the other adults slept!) These children are the same ones who have to be dragged out of their beds at late hours in the morning! This is what they told me themselves, proudly of course!
I am sure that children need to 'leave the shore sometimes to discover new horizons'. If they are taught to be responsible and confident from an early age, they grow up to be strong, dependable and responsible adults. I know of children, who even at the age of 13-14, are pampered to an extent that they find it extremely tough to adjust to new surroundings, having been 'spoon-fed' most of even their adolescent lives. Their parents show fear all the time for their safety and this feeling gets transmitted to them as well, and then they are not able to take on new situations or tough challenges because of their nagging fears. They just watch the world go by, 'sitting at the shore', not taking the plunge. If we want our children to fly high, we have to give them wings. When my son was up on the ropes, my heart was in my mouth, but I had to egg him on to do his best, telling him he could do it, not revealing a tiny bit of my own fear. And he did! As parents, we are allowed to have our fears for our children, it would be most unnatural if we didn't. But these should not hold them back in life, making them fearful and under-confident, feeling they are not good or brave enough.
Our children need to feel our trust and confidence in their capabilities. And we can only show them by letting them 'go' now and then. It could be an 'adventure' in the mountains or in real life. By being overly protective, we rob them of the opportunities of learning during adverse situations. In the background, we are always there to catch them when they fall, but they need to know that we have full faith that they will always succeed at whatever they do. Our faith will make them achieve things that even we have never dreamed of!

Creating a Balance - Integration

The relationship between parent and child is the deepest, most intense and richest in all our human experience. As we watch our children grow from babyhood to adulthood, we experience the full spectrum of emotions, from the heights of joy to the depths of sorrow. Parenthood is so complex and the experiences we have in raising our children can be such a mixed bag. Through this column, my goal is to inspire, motivate, uplift, honour and counsel parents – to allow them to feel good about being parents and to help them know that during the difficult times, they are not alone.
From some of the correspondence that I have received, I have been amazed and touched by the feelings and the range of experiences that people have shared with me. I have heard about their joys, sorrows and complexities, their struggles and triumphs of being a parent, and some heart-felt thank-yous from some people who have been helped encouraged by these articles. In return, I want to extend a warm thank-you of my own to all of you for reading and encouraging me in my endeavour.
In my interactions with most of the readers, I have detected a certain sense of cluelessness about what to do and when, how much and why? Many people are doing things right, but it is more a lop-sided parenting, where few things are being dealt with well, but other very important areas are being neglected. Consequently, we are raising children who excel in some things and lag in others. Their behaviour sometimes even shocks the parents as it is completely unforeseen or unimagined. What I believe is lacking is an 'integration' in their development, which refers to the concerted and simultaneous development of all aspects of a child's personality through education, at home, school or in society. In our ancient treatises on the subject, this kind of development has also been referred to as 'yoga' (this word has many meanings, this being relevant here).
We, as parents, bide our time, letting the child be till he/she starts going to school and can begin 'education'. But education today is treated primarily as a stepping-stone to a vocation or profession, where excellence and achievement are the only benchmarks. It is used only to prepare a child to meet physical needs, and are provided only elementary mental (knowledge-related) skills. But this is completely neglecting the other aspects of an individual's personality. The need for integration is being felt now only because of a serious lack of it.
For example, the mind (the emotional aspect of our mental faculty) and the intellect (the thinking part of our mental faculty), often do not have the same goals or functions. But today's education system treats them on the same level. In fact, most educators are not even aware of the difference. Education has to cater to both these to create a balance in thinking and values. Because the mind seeks pleasure and fulfillment, while the intellect analyzes the consequences and morals of actions. Let us say, a child forgets to do his/her homework, the child often 'feels' that he/she should lie to get out of trouble. At the same time, the child's intellect 'thinks' that he/she should tell the truth and face the consequences. Every time, the mind wins the argument, the intellect is weakened. Over time, such an individual will succumb to all kinds of temptations and ruin his/her life. Bringing about a balance in all these aspects is integration. But our systems are not equipped to deal with this kind of education.
There are four basic aspents of integrated development, physical, mental, intellectual and spiritual development. The physical development includes right diet, personal and ambient cleanliness, adequate exercise and rest, and a disciplined daily routine. The mental and intellectual areas need healthy surroundings and relationships with humans, objects and other beings, knowledge and a love of learning, good, fulfilling and creative thinking, and opportunities where such thoughts may be applied. The spiritual or 'food for the soul' is developing a relationship with God, expanding one's outlook and perspective, embracing and practicing God's qualities of love, compassion and courage, inner cleansing and refinement, and an enquiry into the fundamental questions about life and oneself. If a child is exposed to all of these, he/she benefits in a deep and lasting manner and the larger purpose of education is fulfilled. On the other hand, conflicts in decision-making and wrong judgement are due to these different layers of the personality being at cross-purposes.
During the coming weeks, I would like to go in-depth into each of these aspects, offering practical solutions, with reasons, with the hope that you will find your 'answers' as well as a 'path' in them.
My belief is that we were given our children to be their caregivers and educators, and we have been given the responsibility to help them grow up in the 'image of God Himself'. We have hard work ahead but we have been blessed with loving hearts and hands, which make parenting a joyous task. The seed, which God planted in our hearts, from the moment we conceived our children, is called parenting and as we delve deeper into our roles, every day is a new discovery. We dream dreams and want our children to touch the stars. Can we commit ourselves to doing whatever it takes to raise them right?

EDUCATION – WHAT WE HAVE AND WHAT WE CAN

What's happening to our world today? And whose responsibility is it? Is it the responsibility of the 'super-powers' of the world, the rich people, people with resources, time or energy, the NGOs, people with a cause or a 'bone to pick', 'holy' or spiritual people, social workers or political leaders? What does it have to do with me? What can I do about it? Most of us have this attitude when it comes to social, national or world issues. I see it as our 'vision' or the lack of it. “Yatha Drishti Tatha Srishti” - It says what our vision is, so the world seems to us. To the ones with a narrow vision, only their immediate or direct issues will matter, and the world will seem a separate entity, while to the ones with a vast vision, personal troubles and difficulties will look miniscule compared to the infinite nature of the world and its problems. Each of us is consistently in search of greater peace and happiness. We want ownership but no responsibility. But is that really the way to go?
In order to achieve real peace, happiness and success, we need the 'right vision' to take us closer to our goals. In turn, we need to pass on the gift of this vision to our children, who will one day determine the role of humanity on earth. We will, thus, enable them to make success and joy a spontaneous outcome of their love and service to humanity.
“When we sit down and try to analyze how to re-mould and recast our future, we see that it is certainly through the children of today who are going to be the leaders of tomorrow. And we must supply them with the vision. We have to take responsibility for moulding and beautifying the child, prepare him to face the world of tomorrow and to lead and guide the world of the future.”
Having been a part of the education, or let us say, academic system of ours for many years, I realized that today's academic system is merely a lot of 'information' on many subjects. Despite having worked in the corporate world for some time, I gave it up to be a teacher, having realized and discovered through various experiences in my life that I was meant to be one. I had found my vocation, my 'calling', and the thrill of being around children, the constant activity and buzz, the exchange of ideas, I loved all of it! But soon, I realized that the potential and 'inner knowledge' of these children was far greater than what we were trying to 'teach' them. It became a frustrating experience for me, for the things I wanted to do with them and the techniques I instinctively felt would be right, were not appreciated in our regular school systems. Exams and degrees can make anyone 'literate' but is that real 'education'? I believe that only an education that deals with academics and well as 'man-making' can be the real one. It has to be a broader and more comprehensive 'education with a vision'. It should not hold only academic excellence as its benchmark of achievement. On the other hand, any system of education (no matter how grand the philosophy behind it) can only work in our current world scenario if it is practical, realistic and in consonance with today's competitive nature of society.
This is where the 'vision' comes in. The greater purpose of education is the 'transformation' of the individual. So what we need is a judicious combination of academics with cultural and value education. Learning cannot be separated from spiritual principles. It is a sublime, spiritual act, one which men have been known to sacrifice everything for. A balanced system can bring about economic self-reliance along with inner balance and strength as well. This helps prepare the ground for a vast, noble, vision of life to unfold in our children, helping them to evolve into men and women of outstanding and lasting character and achievement. “To bring out the divinity or potentialities within us is education.”
But we all know that this is more a Utopian situation than a possibility. But instead of just waiting for things to happen, we can do our part in providing a more holistic and well-rounded education to our children. Ajay and I have come across some wonderful systems and techniques over the years. What has driven this exploration and discovery is a deep sense of concern and responsibility for ours and other children around us. These simple, yet amazingly powerful physical and spiritual techniques can and have shown remarkable results. Our constant endeavour is to share all that we have learned in any way that we can. One such endeavour is 'Life Express', where we have regular counselling sessions, and another is through these write-ups. Over the next few weeks, I would like to focus on these exercises and techniques and hope you will benefit from my experiences. So long!

OF TREES, BIRDS AND BUTTERFLIES

Recently, my family and I attended a meeting of the “Citizens For Green Doon', having been invited by a friend who is an active member of the group. We were asked if we would want to be a part and we readily agreed. They are playing a very proactive role in saving the trees in Dehradun, some even a century old, which are being indiscriminately and criminally cut down in the name of progress and development. Most of them have been cut down unnecessarily, them having not been in the way at all. Driving down the city, our children and us would often discuss how harmful and cruel this was, and why we need to conserve and protect our trees and environment. Even as a small boy of 2, my oldest son and I would have these discussions, and ever since then, he has been committed to the cause of saving the environment! He even wants to grow up and work towards this cause. Once the seed has been planted, he now makes a great effort to educate his younger siblings and friends (even our friends!) about this, things like saving trees, species of animals, birds and insects, pollution, saving water, banning use of fireworks, rainwater harvesting, you name it and he has educated himself on these subjects on his own and is committed to the cause. What I mean to say is that once our children get aware, their innate sensitivity and love of Nature makes them feel responsible towards it. Where there is love, caring, nurturing and protecting is spontaneous.
The nature and subject of this topic is vast. So in this issue, let us only talk about our immediate surroundings in Doon. Nature is availabLe to us here in the way of trees, many species of birds, animals, butterflies and insects, water bodies and mountains, hills and valleys. Children can be led from their youngest years to wonder at everything they come across, to feel the divine oneness in creation, and to see the presence of God in everything. Once they learn to regard the things of Nature with awe, reverence and wonderment, they will never do anything against it. Nature walks with children can aid in appreciating the beauty and divinity in all things, for example the brilliant colours in birds, butterflies, insects and flowers, the verdant shades of the trees and plants, the dance of the peacock, the swiftness of the deer, the stride of the leopard, etc. To create awareness about trees, we can talk to them about the uses of trees, what happens when one tree or whole forests are cut down. We can tell them about Nature's selfless service to mankind, and how we can return its kindness by saving and protecting it.
Many concrete ways to help children develop a kinship with Nature are: Going on nature walks, planting saplings, talking about and implementing ways to save paper and water, making paper bags with newspapers and notebooks with leftover pages, looking at pictures and reading stories about Nature's goodness and people being kind to animals and plants, making school projects with natural materials like clay, sticks, leaves, grains, etc,, asking children about how they intend to be kind to Nature, visit to farms to see rural life to understand how to live with Nature. All these measures will create a need in children to cherish and protect nature. Society today has desensitized itself to these issues, but it is now time to wake up and look around at what we have destroyed, and then commit ourselves to saving what we still have. As human beings, we are not alone on this earth. We share an integral an organic relationship with everyone and everything around us. It is vital for our planet's survival that we see ourselves as part of this creation – what we destroy and cut down will destroy us; what we build up will support us.
I believe our children will play a leading and instrumental role in restoring and conserving Nature, provided we educate them from now on about it. At the children's centre we run, we are constantly raising these issues with the children about this, trying to create an awareness and sensitivity in them. We have witnessed a remarkable shift in them towards Nature and its problems. As a part of the summer activities, we will take the children to visit farm and forest areas, both in the hills and plains, and for Nature camps, where they will see the birds, butterflies and insects in their habitats, learn their names and their habits, listen to their sounds, learn about the various species of trees and animals in our region, interact with villagers and farm animals, watch the flowing stream, all in all, a day of learning through fun with the biggest teacher, Nature itself! I am eagerly looking forward to these trips, where there is lot of nourishment and revival for the spirit, a peace which only being with Nature can provide, as we feel surrounded by her motherly, loving arms. I hope this will egg you on to make your own plans with your children, go out into the forests and hills, watch the sheer magnificence and beauty, and come back feeling awed and refreshed. And while you are there, among the trees, stretch out your arms in a loving embrace and make a promise, along with your children, to love, protect and cherish these gifts of Nature, always. More in the next blog! Until then!

FATHERS,ATTENTION PLEASE!

Being a father today has moved way beyond the traditional role of provider or dispenser of discipline to be sensitively involved and nurturing. But even the most dedicated of fathers are finding it difficult today because of career constraints, personal lifestyles as well as a lack of rules and guidelines. The role has become more open-ended, thus more confusing, but with courage and commitment, fathers can connect with their children better and have a profound influence on their emotional, social and intellectual development. Mothers and fathers interact with their children in completely unique and different ways; these are not equal or interchangeable. Both kinds of contribution are required for the balanced development of a child.
Let's start at the beginning. Research tells us that fathers who bond with their child right from its conception and birth, tend to be much closer to them throughout the years. If your wife is pregnant, you can spend more time with her. Listening to good music, reading, talking lovingly about the baby, all this results in a relatively stress-free pregnancy and the baby can already get the good vibes! Try to keep office work to a minimum around the time the baby is born, to help your wife prepare both mentally and physically for its arrival (remember your house is going to be a big mess in the first few days!) So being prepared in advance is a great idea. Also take a few days leave after the baby is home, so that you can help your wife, practice parenting skills and overcome your anxieties about handling the wriggling bundle in your arms! Fathers need not be afraid of hurting the baby or making it stop crying, you will soon get the hang of it. The later you start, the longer it'll take to master. Be a part of the process. Your wife and you can make a schedule of the time and duration of your time with the baby and then the growing child. In the child's routine, pick up some activities like playing, singing, reading, bathing, feeding a meal or two, so you have time with the child, and your wife has time to herself or to go out for some fresh air or grocery shopping! You will soon get tuned to your baby's needs, be able to read the signals, and this will build not only your confidence but also your bond with the baby. Mothers should be sensitive here not to criticize the father's style or approach, and handle the issue lovingly and sensitively.
In their growing years, children need different kinds of attention. For example, when they are just learning to walk, they are exploring, so you can assist them by showing them new things, people, trees, houses, insects, different foods on their plate, things to be or not to be touched – the list is endless! A few years later, they get into rough physical games which you can play with them, rolling on the ground or bed, throw and catch, hide and seek, etc. In all these activities, you can have a loving but firm underlying note of discipline. They will soon learn their boundaries and coming from you, they will develop a sense of respect for you. It has been noted that children learn very complex sets of interactive skills from their fathers. Like they 'read' the father's emotions through his facial expressions, tone of voice and body language, and eventually learn to 'listen' to their own emotions. They are able to communicate their emotions better and to understand those of other people. When children are able to have this emotional mastery, they successfully cope with them through various stages of life, manage frustration, become good at problem solving and are more adventurous in their pre-teen and teen years. Till the time they get to their pre-teens, they are very open to physical affection, hugging, cuddling, tickling, etc. So go ahead and indulge with them in these years. You can help them with their homework, their little personal tiffs with friends and siblings. Your bond will become stronger if they see you as loving and reasonable, even while being strict and demanding discipline.
Now, once they get into their pre-teen and teen years, fathers get completely flummoxed as to how to deal with their children. It is a difficult phase of life for them (let us not make this about us!). They go through a whole lot of physical and hormonal changes, leading to emotional and sometimes mental imbalances. Believe me, they are not out to 'get' you, they are just going through a myriad changes, and not knowing how to deal with any of them! My best advice in this stage would be, I hope you've done your work before they reached this stage! If you have provided them with a sense of balance and discipline before their teens, they will somehow keep coming back to it, despite their careening this way and that. If they have always seen you as an interested father, they will listen to a few words of advice (not orders!) from you. It would be a good idea to talk to them offering suggestions, without pressure, about their career choices, their physical changes, their romantic interests, sex issues, etc. Do let them know that you are not being judgemental, just parental. It is highly recommended to visit a good counsellor with your wife on how to impart sex education to your children. Let them also go through career workshops, adventure activities, music classes, supervised get-togethers with friends, etc. All these will help to dissipate negative emotions and give them a sense of freedom. Be sure to talk to them about issues of addiction, drugs and narcotics also, again after talking to a counsellor. At this stage, you will need to understand their frustration and repressed emotions, and be more a friend than a strict father to them. They will surely appreciate this effort throughout their lives.
We will talk about the various growing stages of a child in lots of upcoming issues with reference to both parents, so stay tuned. Be a firm, fair and fun dad!

FATHERHOOD - THE 'DARK' CONTINENT

I say this, because despite the thousands of manuals on parenting, being a father, is like living on a 'dark continent'. You just need a lot of love, commitment, luck and of course, courage! Fathers, over the ages, have been an integral part of the process of child rearing. Only from the 19th century onwards, when people moved away from homes to more industrialized towns, did the role of fathers diminish on this front. But two centuries later, society has changed, progressive thinking, equality and fairness are in, and gender biases are on their way out. So fathers, let's put it this way, your day has come! No more hiding behind chauvinism and 'what-will-people-think' attitudes. You need to renew your minds with new and fresh perspectives and responsible opinions. 'The old order passeth, giving way to new.'
If fathers have a 'man of the house' attitude, they tend to be aloof and uncommunicative, and become an object of terror for their own children. Their children keep away from them, so as not to 'disturb' or 'upset' them, and this only results in fear-driven, imbalanced and unsuccessful relationships between fathers and children. One of the most important aspects of being a good parent is how you treat your spouse. If you are loving, warm, receptive and communicative with her, your children will automatically draw positive vibes from you and will in turn have a healthy relationship with you and later, with other people. In case of the opposite, they will also grow into stereotypical mindsets, boys with 'lord and master' attitudes' and girls will adopt 'subservient' roles. If we want the best for them, we have to start with ourselves.
Fathers can be a great positive influence in child upbringing and development from infancy through adulthood. Research has consistently shown that where fathers are involved in childcare and education, the children's verbal ability, intellectual development, school grades and relationships are much better than those whose fathers do not read and play with them or are not involved. Right from infancy, children seek the proximity of their fathers. All three of our children show a special pattern of attachment to Ajay and are only satisfied when he does those activities with them. Things like hugging and cuddling, rough-and-tumble games, puzzles, reading at bedtime, bath-time and of course, giving him a full account of all that happened to them during the day! They always play together with abandonment, while with me they do their studies, reading, eating their meals, etc. What we have discovered is that any physically-intensive things are best enjoyed with Ajay and the quieter activities requiring listening and counselling are best done with me.
How Ajay is able to do this is by both of us first clearly defining what and when needs to be done with the children in a regular schedule, and then dividing it up into tasks according to which parent the children enjoy it most with. Of course, his and my work schedule also has to be worked into it, though we prefer to work our schedules according to the children's schedule. The two older children are school-going, so they have schedules of study and homework, which I mostly handle. Our youngest daughter is just two, so she needs someone around all the time, like at meals, sleeping, etc., so I handle those, though Ajay tries to give her one meal a day as also to the older two. Eating one meal together with the whole family is a very good idea. He gives them baths and tells them stories at bedtime. He also plays some games with them either before school or after dinner.
In all, what works is to have a regular schedule, shared duties and responsibilities, being disciplined ourselves, and of course, staying away from television and mobile phones! A lot of people find this very tough to do (we also did initially!), but a firm resolve helped, and believe me, it leaves us with time to do everything and some to spare. Cutting out things which are non-productive or not good for us gives us more time for our jobs and children. A regular schedule of little exercise, meditation, reading, etc. helps us to stay away from stress and to cope with the pressures of our busy lives. It sounds pretty simple here, but it has taken us a lot of thinking, effort and determination to get this far.
What children need is not just our presence but also our awareness, somehing which fathers find it more difficult to do. But guys, this is your only chance, soon they'll grow up and move out! Be a FUN DAD- Encourage the children to play physical and mental games, and let them potter around the house and do small chores. Applaud them for their achievements, however small. Create an atmosphere of laughter and general 'fooling around.' Be a FAIR DAD- Endorse and respect limits that you set for the children, and ensure that the children are given fair chances to measure up to your expectations- they should not feel cornered or bullied. Be honest to accept your mistakes to them, and let them see you as 'human', also learning that it is alright to be wrong, acknowledge it and then fix it. Be fair to all, treat them equally, and never pacify one (usually the one who throws tantrums!) at the cost of the other. Be an INVOLVED DAD- Be there for your children's performances, PTAs, school events, games and activities. The more time they spend with you, the lesser the dangers of 'falling' into bad things as they find it easier to talk to you. Help them with their studies or problems they may be facing in school or personally.
For all these things, you will also have to 'grow up' and take true responsibility, not just as a provider but also as care-giver. Our need to do something important and enduring is built into us by nature. And what better way than to do it with our children, something that will go into posterity.

FATHER – A FIGURE OR FOR REAL?

Give him a day for his very own, just one small boy and his Dad alone,
A walk in the woods, a romp in the park, a fishing trip from dawn to dark,
Give the gifts that only you can- the companionship of his old man.
Games are outgrown, and toys decay, but he'll never forget if you “Give him a day”.

Fathers can be the best playmates, 'care bears', funny companions, strong disciplinarians, compassionate listeners – the islands in the storm. Or they can be sulking intruders, aloof onlookers, irregular visitors, hard taskmasters and sometimes almost feudally chauvinistic! Most of the fathers reading this would identify with a few of the traits, most would be somewhere in the middle and some would say, “Well, I'm not like that!” Whatever your analysis, I'm sure your spouses would have something different to say! Anyway, most fathers in their lifetime tend to start from one end and work their way to the other. Kudos! Ajay and I have discovered that Men actually are from Mars while the Women inhabit Venus Most of the time. Of course there are trips to each others planets when we are trying to 'understand the other's point of view', but then we return to familiar territory! Well, all this is fine, but the children can never decide which planet to live on! So, Ajay & I have decided that in matters concerning the children, we'll all come to Planet Parent. How do you like that?!
Well, being a woman and having been brought up on lessons on how to be a 'good' wife and mother, it was comparatively easier for me to adapt to these new roles. Ajay, on the other hand, had never even heard of such things on Mars (well his mother and all lived on the other planet!), so it affected him pretty badly that he would now have to relocate! But to his credit (and my communication skills!), he soon acknowledged that things needed to change, and to his greater credit, he has consistently walked that path for more than eleven years! All in all, we are doing a good job with the children, all because he decided to be the father that they needed, and to restructure his life and priorities according to his status as a parent. A beautiful thing to watch in action! Our experience as parents has shown us that children need that balance of a father's reasoning and logic alongwith a mother's unconditional love, the 'fun' dad alongwith strictness, the fairness alongwith mollycoddling, the 'coolness' alongwith hard work, and the romping around alongwith the soft hugs.
Mothers relate to their children in a more soothing, loving and serious way, while fathers engage in more physically and mentally exciting games which stimulate the children. Mothers love to read aloud and play with toys with the children, whereas fathers have a more jocular and playful approach, thy love to throw the children up in the air and catch them, play pretend games of football and cricket, or just quiz them on spelling over a meal. This non-planned approach is very good for children alongwith the more organized approach of mothers. It keeps them on their toes and helps them to get sharper instincts.
But when it comes to parenting, fathers put on that superior air that says “I handle only important jobs”. They want others to believe that they are on this planet for great things and they would never want to compromise their mission by doing mundane chores like parenting, cooking, cleaning, etc. What they do not realize is that fatherhood is as deeply ingrained in men as motherhood is in women, and so we are again watching a huge wave washing over society, that of men reclaiming their roles in the fatherhood and domestic spheres. It is a welcome revival, as society is again receiving a refreshing balance and chauvinism seems to be on its way out! Most of us believe that God is a 'Father' and He, for sure, does not look down on His parenting duties! Imagine if He did that!
Research and history tells us that maternal dominance in child-rearing is not an age-old practice. Fathers had a huge role in childcare and they were considered very competent and responsible for this role. Most books and manuals on parenting were chiefly written for fathers. There were usually 'farming communities', so fathers were always around. Domestic duties were an integral part of a man's routine. It is only with the onset of the Industrial Revolution around the end of the 19th century that fathers had to move away to industrial towns and cities, hence taking them away from domestic and paternal duties.
So, all you caring and committed fathers out there, I'm convinced that if you are reading this, you are already a 'great' dad, and if you are a bit clueless about what to do, I'd like to help you along, with a few of my own experiences and a lot of pages from my husband, Ajay's Diary!! Till then, take care!

HOME OR CAREER?

Can working mothers be effective parents? Most career women will say, 'Of course'. But if we ask whether children of working mothers feel neglected or lag behind in their work, then the response would be a little cautious. Yet, why do mothers work? Most often, there is no choice as the family's income needs to be supplemented. But issues of self-image, personal satisfaction, social status, creative satisfaction, intelligent pursuits, are also a strong motivating factor in mothers wanting to step out of the 'housewife' role and image. It gives them a sense of purpose and achievement, and since today's women are dynamic, intelligent, strong and talented, they want to explore their own possibilities and realize their potential. This is a wonderful thing after years of oppression, and empowered women are any society's pillars of strength.
The only stumbling block here is that children get neglected in the process. But is this only in the case of working mothers? Are non-working mothers more efficient home-makers and better parents? We cannot generalize on any of these answers because even 'stay-at-home' mothers are sometimes busier than women with jobs, and the children still suffer. I feel what makes the difference is whether or not the parents have the commitment and competence to understand their responsibility and provide children what they need for healthy development. It is the quality of life you live. Whatever you choose, do it with the right intentions and the right reasons. Only when your motives get mixed up, or you lose sight of your vision, then guilt steps in and makes you feel inadequate. You feel guilty about doing injustice to your children, blame yourself for their shortcomings, and then try to cover up your guilt pangs by 'giving in' to their unreasonable demands and tantrums. Well, being out most of the time is bound to have some greater negative effects. We can't 'have our cake and eat it too'!
Guilt is non-productive, instead it is better to get a good analysis on our reasons for working outside the home. Once you decide to work, you need to get off the 'guilt wagon' and just prioritize chores, restructure schedules, assess your strengths and weaknesses, and find practical ways to achieve optimum performance on all fronts. But I suggest you take an honest look, if it is not really necessary to work, and your reasons lean more towards personal satisfaction, then you are conveniently trying to avoid your parental duties. It is not right to have children when we are not able to be good parents. Staying at home may be a compromise, but ceases to be a sacrifice when done out of love and deep commitment. If you decide to have a career, you are a great asset to society, and if you decide to stay at home and raise children, you may be an even greater asset if you do it well.
Balancing homes and careers can be a gruelling process, but with a sincere commitment and a good attitude, we can make it work. Here's what we can do:
The first thing to do would be to create a family support system, where other people like spouse, in-laws and parents can be involved. We work together as a team, pitching in as much as we can. Especially the spouses will need to share chores and responsibilities. The objective is to make the children feel protected and cared for at all times.
It would be good to develop good communication with your seniors in the office, so they are more receptive to your role as a mother, and show consideration about children's illnesses, doctor's appointments, school meetings, etc. This also means that you will need to show great integrity and commitment towards your work as well.
An important, yet sorely neglected, aspect is to stay in good form and health. Constant stress takes its toll on your physical and mental health. Along with periods of rest, 'active' relaxation is highly recommended. It means exercises which actually calm you and build endurance, like walking, cycling, swimming, running, etc. They make you feel good and control the ill-effects of stress. You would do well with yoga and meditation for rejuvenation, and periodic introspection. Sleeping well is an absolute must.
And last but not the least, spend as much time with your children as you possibly can. Getting up early in the morning leaves time for play or checking homework, or just eating breakfast together. You can check in with the children over the phone when they get back from school, reminding them lovingly of their chores, or just saying 'hello'. When you get back home, even if you are tired, you could listen to their day's events and problems, settling disputes and offering advice, just 'being around' as they play or study. Watching television or reading the newspaper takes your attention away from them, so you can do these after the children are in bed. You could eat with them, read to them before bedtime, and send them to bed early. Try not to get office-work back home, it gives you more time with your children and spouse. The priority is to give your time and attention when you are at home. The loving care that only a mother can provide is most essential for their emotional growth.

Lin Yutano said,“Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother.I would like to add further that motherhood is not only the greatest right, but the greatest privilege of women. During her sojourn on earth, a woman lives through many relationships, many roles, but the single-most deepest bond that she ever forms is with her child. It is inexplicable, indescribable, something only a mother would understand. When we think “mother”, the word which immediately comes to mind is “love”. Because, I feel a mother is a “huge lump of love”! And this love is almost always expressed through 'tears', regardless of happy times or sad! I can see a whole lot of heads nodding as these lines are being read!

When I was still a child, I decided I wanted to be a mother when I grew up! I also decided that I would only have girls (because I would read almost everyday that girl children were unwanted, ill-treated, and were considered a shame and a burden)!! My whole being would strongly react to this, and I wanted to put at least some things right by having lots and lots of girls, loving them and looking after them. Now we all know, that is not how things happen, so we had two boys before God gave us a girl. Nonetheless, from the first instance, when I was expecting my first child, there was such a great love I had for my unborn child, that it was indeed a divine experience! And it continued when he was born, every time he smiled or cried, ate or drank, walked or fell, played or slept, every moment of his life was a glimpse into heaven for me. I was thoroughly besotted and I felt that I could never feel this way again for anyone else. But lo and behold, when I had my second son, it was exactly the same all over again, this time in double doses!! This is what gave me courage to ask God (I actually asked!) for a little girl, because by now I was sure I could love three, even more children, in the same way, confident now that my “love reserves” increased with every child! So I was quite prepared and armed with “love” for my daughter, when she arrived!

That is why I call motherhood a privilege, a calling even, for we are given the greatest gift of “unconditional love” for this relationship. In all our other relationships, there is love, but there is also a great amount of give and take, who-did-what, what-did-I-get, how-dare-he/she, I-won't-if-he-won't, etc. No other person in our lives depends so completely on us, and no other occupies our heart and mind 24x7x365! We drop everything at the “drop of a hat” to run and meet the needs of this relationship. Amazing, isn't it! Even we didn't realize we had such commitment in us! Mothers come in all shapes and sizes but our job descriptions never change- we are friends, doctors, healers, teachers, spiritual guides, financiers, advisors, counsellors, judges, expert artists, craftspeople, all rolled into one, for our children. A thousand things in our children's day demand a thousand different reactions from us, a high level of multi-tasking is required, and we, mere women, suddenly become “superwomen” and always rise up to the challenge. I'm impressed, and grateful, for God has given us huge tasks, but greater resources to deal with them.

“A mother's heart is the child's classroom”. Every generation of mothers raises a generation of children who grow up to either reach the top, or reach rock bottom! See what a great responsibility this is! No matter what education they get, what they have, what they become, what they achieve, where they live- our children's first and most lasting education will come from us. “There was never a great man who had not a great mother.” I believe this to be true. And this can be a most humbling as well as empowering realization for us, if we really want to not only be good but great mothers. God has chosen us women for this, so we really need to fathom the depths of this assignment. The For whenever I think about the extent of my responsibilities, my mind boggles, but what also strikes me always is the perfection with which God's Nature brings about motherhood, the instant recognition, the strong bond, the almost telepathic communication, the 'homing' instinct in every child, the mother's instant transformation into a selfless, sacrificing person, these are not just facts, these can be our tools in bringing up children. I'm sure these deep feelings were provided on both sides for the fulfillment of a greater plan and purpose.
“My son, when you were just a boy, you asked me, “Where is God?”
I told you, “Mother's selfless ways that guided you through childhood days,
Her sacred love her word of praise, these are akin to God.” - Lud Isaac
Now there are many thoughts that assail us – what about self-image, personal satisfaction (self-actualisation), social status, creative satisfaction, intelligent pursuits, etc. Bringing up children takes up so much of our time and energy, that we feel depleted, cornered, wasted, neglected, and with a low sense of self-worth. This is all true but what can change is our perspective towards it. Just as we cannot look after all the animals in this world, but the minute we adopt one as a pet, we then become responsible for it, we feed it, we take it for regular doctor's visits, we talk to it, we love it and look after it to the best of our ability, all because of one decision, in the same way, the decision to be a parent, especially a mother has to be backed up by the corresponding actions. Our choice is limited to the decision, once we've made it, there's no turning back. We have made ourselves responsible and we owe it to our children to do the best job possible. It will involve a lot of sacrifices, self-neglect, thankless days and sleepless nights, but no one said otherwise, did they? We always hear from our parents and society that parenthood is a tough job, so nonetheless when we decide to take that step, we have enough 'warning' in that direction, so we can never say 'we-didn't-know'. For now, remember that “Motherhood is being available to your children whenever they need you, no matter what their age or their need.”

WHEN I LOST THE ROAD-MAP!

When we had our first child, it was an extreme pleasure to be a parent. He was quiet, non-demanding, sweet, extremely intelligent, non-invasive, in all, a dream baby! He even started to read when he was just over a year! It was fantastic! What more could we have asked for? We thought ourselves so lucky and beyond that, we had a sense of pride that we were bringing up such a well-behaved child. Friends and relatives would compliment us on being such good parents(some were even envious!) Apart from a few health-related and feeding-time hitches now and then, it was all good. And we were convinced that we were doing a wonderful job. And then, we decided to have another baby, fully confident that we would be brilliant this time around as well.

And lo, and behold, when our first son was 3 years and 8 months old, our second child was born. And life as we knew it, completely changed! We felt that we had been tossed onto a roller-coaster and someone had forgotten to turn it off! We were the same people, the same house, the same gene-pool, the same rules, even the same food, but this child was completely different! He was an angel to look at, but there the angelic facade ended! He had a mind of his own, very strong personality, and was a master of tantrums to get his own way! To say the least, it was a shock! We were completely baffled and tried everything we knew to deal with this. But he just would not back down.

It has been a long journey from then to now, when he is 5 years old. I've learned the most in these five years, and my growth has been very fast-paced and comprehensive. In other words, I've had to grow up in a lot of ways, face my faults and shortcomings, and I've had to learn to rise above those to be the best mother I can be to him, as I have been to my older son. The demands have changed, the parameters are different, the policies have had to be revised, the actions and reactions been scrutinized and adjusted. In short, we have learned a very valuable lesson (albeit the hard way!), that our children are born to us for a purpose. They are what they are, because we need to be what we are meant to be. We need to fulfill our purpose in life, and who does it better than our children, who make us look at ourselves in a new way, they teach us to re-examine and analyze ourselves. We can be anything in the eyes of the world, but we are made to face our deepest, darkest fears and shortcomings when we become parents. We are faced with serious responsibility and decision-making, and our patience, tolerance, kindness and compassion is severely tested!

Our children teach us things that maybe, our parents did not, or we did not want to learn as children. They are here, because a few of the greatest lessons we will ever learn will be through them. We participate in the miracle of their birth, and from then on, our hearts become their school-rooms. We become their teachers and guardians. We are challenged everyday in every which way, and we learn to rise above ourselves and make every moment worthwhile. And even while teaching them how to be responsible adults, we learn the same things along the way.

I once read somewhere, “There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.” Oh! What a blessing my son has been! I know I'm that much better for I have him in my life. All my three children are so different, yet there is so much each one continues to teach me. Let us appreciate the miracle of our children, and feel grateful for all the learning and growth they have brought into our lives.

Here's a little poem for my son.
FOR MEHAR
You enchant me, you intrigue me, you make me oh!so mad!
But in everything that you do, you are the leading lad!
The sun rushes out to greet you, to take a little brightness from you,
For the brightest shining star in the whole universe is you.

I've had my days of doubt, and I've had my days of pain,
But having you, my baby, has never been in vain.
You've taught me to face life head-on,
No matter what happens, just go on!

You've shown me a greater purpose,, you've forced me to face my faults,
I've learned to be aware and present, with your entire army of wants,
I've learned to be humble and grateful, and never to regret,
I've wanted to escape it, but you've taught me, Just Do It!

That quiet charming mischief, that naughty sobriety,
Isn't our life just filled with variety?!
A little bit of this and a whole lot of that,
What are you, my little imp, are you this or are you that?

You look, and the whole world looks at you, your laughter sends out joyous chimes,
This world spins just to make you go around,
And the whole universe is just your merry-go-round!

Your joy spreads like wildfire, your mischief makes us sweat!
Our tired eyes adore you, your sleep brings us blessed rest!
Your conversation flows around us, like falling leaves from trees,
When I bend to pick up one of those, I'm swamped up to my knees!

You laugh, you cry, you jump, you run,
I live a myriad lifetimes, for you it's all just fun!
Each breath I take, you're caught in it, I breathe life that much more,
For you are God's little angel, the one that I adore.

So hush, come, and listen carefully-
From the inside, nourish the outside, from the outside, reap rich rewards,
Heaven and earth are waiting to shower you,
With the knowledge you go towards.

Your life will be rich and fulfilling, I see that promise and strength in you,
Our love-filled heartbeats bless you always, and your troubles will be few.
Grow in Love, Peace and Gratitude, good to all and for all, let this be your attitude!
Shine like the sun and glow like the moon, for you are MEHAR,
For this world you are a Boon!

“Love, compassion, and tolerance are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”
These simple words of His Holiness the Dalai Lama hold a world of truth and wisdom for me. More so because every single day of my life as a mother, this is required from me, and often I find myself on the brink of failure. It is so hard to hang on to these finer feelings in the face of tantrums, fighting, whining, diaper changes, sleepless nights, feeding routines, ... I can go on and on. Let me tell you something about myself – well actually, it's everything, because being a parent is my life now! I have three children, aged nine, five and two, (I can see you all just shaking your heads in understanding and sympathy!) Well, I used to feel the same way about myself. But over time,(and lots of reading, workshops and introspection), I have discovered that my children are the greatest source of joy in this world for me, and I want to give myself the opportunity to experience it.
Imagine the confusion a little soul has to experience right from the time of birth! From a warm, safe environment, it is pushed out into a world full of bright lights, strange noises and smells, and sensations of hunger and thirst! From that time onwards to about the age of seven, life is all about adjusting and surviving within the family structure. Their basic needs of food, warmth and security are primary, and if they are met in a loving and kind way, the children feel a sense of belongingness and security. The small baby does not see himself as being separate, but feels the family to be an extension of himself. If we fail to respond to these needs, the world becomes a scary and unpredictable place for our children. They will then tend to see grown-ups, especially parents, as unreliable and not to be trusted!
We want our children to be emotionally strong and independent, but when they cry for prolonged periods, or feel scared in a dark room, or we've been away from them for a long time, our comforting voice and warm embrace can work wonders. They need our hug, our loving touch at such times. Touch is a basic need of all humans, even animals do it naturally. It is form of communication, one that cannot be put into words. As adults, we often want and need to be touched, and couples often complain of neglect in this part of their relationship. Yet, we hold back as parents, afraid to produce a 'softie'. Or sometimes we are just too busy or irritable or simply uncaring. Research has shown that children who are denied physical contact develop slowly at all levels- physical, mental, emotional, even spiritual. This is the reason, many of the ancient and indigenous cultures used the 'kangaroo philosophy'- having their small infants strapped to their mothers' bodies. Touch goes deeper than just a physical sensation. It is a sharing of our energy fields, which brings about a harmony which has profound healing properties. How much stronger it would be coming from a loving parent!
“Breathing in, I know my dear one is in my arms, alive. Breathing out, she is so precious to me.” - Thich Nhat Hanh's 'Hugging Meditation'.

My Child - A Genius?!

Have you ever noticed how some children's eyes light up when they listen to a good song and start singing along, while others just start swaying to the beat of the music? How some love to spend hours on drawing and painting little 'cards' for you and their friends, while others love to make little boats and other shapes with paper or clay? How some of them love to tap to the beat of some inaudible music with spoons or pencils, while others get deeply engrossed in playing 'air guitar'? How some children love to play outdoors, while some love to stay indoors and read or write poetry and stories filled with flights of fantasy?
Why do all children have something that they love to do more than others, and they can spend hours doing that? What is that gives them that concentration, focus, and above all, that great joy spreading across their faces and a great peace surrounds them, even as their little fingers and minds are working at a furious pace? They are just 'expressing' themselves. They have discovered their 'expression' in any of these activities and this brings them joy and fulfillment.
We smilingly watch them do this and indulgently 'allow' them to carry on for some time. We often make reference to our children's active imaginations; we accept that they are creative; or note that they seem to be naturally curious and playful. But soon enough, our concerns for their future and their careers kick in, and we become anxious. We immediately transmit this stress to them by scolding them for 'wasting' precious time, time which could have been more constructively used in 'studying'. Our concentration on academics per se is so dominant that we frown upon and discourage any interest displayed by our children outside this.
Our children are a collection of hidden impulses that need to be expressed, understood and controlled. Many children are talented in so many fields but most parents and teachers consider those talents 'unproductive' as career goals. Children gradually lose interest in those activities and their talents get buried along with their self-worth and potential. Children are rebuked for not bringing 'good' marks in academics, while good performance in non-academic or creative acts is written off as wasteful 'play'.
But to make children high performers, we, as parents and teachers, have to realize that by igniting the child's artistic brain, we inevitably stimulate the academic brain to perform better. Until this realization takes root in our minds, schooling will continue to be a tedious exercise for all concerned. Our focus should be on the child's capacity for constructive growth and creative potential at the highest levels of functioning. Focus should be on providing opportunities for our children to explore.
Creative activities can positively affect a child's reasoning, thinking skills and spatial intelligence. They can affect test scores, raise energy levels, improve reading and writing skills, aid in learning and retaining new material, promote coordinated body movement, and take creativity to a higher level. We need to touch our children's emotions by introducing activities that appeal to their feelings and to their 'right brain'– activities that the child responds to naturally.
Activities like music, rhymes, song, dance, drawing, painting, clay modelling, role-play, dramatics, concerts, catch-ball, yoga, aerobics, hopping, skipping, jogging, juggling, and numerous other fun-filled activities their active, teeming minds can think of. These activities stimulate the complex structure of the brain, encouraging both brain 'centres' to work in consonance with each other. This helps them to experience a greater integrated balance throughout their lives.
By having the freedom to 'express' themselves through any creative pursuit, our children can lead richer, more vibrant and fulfilling lives. Some of them can even turn them into wonderful career opportunities. It is our duty and responsibility to let our children explore and develop their potential in whatever they 'love' to do. We can help them in this way to have more 'complete' and integrated personalities. If their desires and dreams are not thwarted, but encouraged, they will be confident, well-balanced individuals, and whatever they do in lives after that, they are sure to leave their impressions for posterity.

Wednesday is Art. My favourite day. Or used to be until the cornflowers.
Ten cornflowers in a jar. I loved them. Burning blue. Impatient to be begin
I scoured my paintbox. Cobalt. Azure and Prussian Blue. I mixed them well,
and laid them on my page, and saw the flowers bloom beneath my brush.
I showed my friend. “Dad grows these in our garden. Mum's special flower,
The colour of her eyes.” The teacher pounced. “Time to talk? No need to work?
Perhaps you'll show us what you've done?” She held my painting to the class,
While I sat proudly by. But then, “Now children look at this,” she said,
“And learn how NOT to paint. Jenny calls them flowers. But what do we see?
Just ten green sticks in a crooked jar, and ten awful blobs of horrible blue.”
Wednesday is always Art. It was my favourite day,
But now, if I can manage it, I try to stay away.

Going through my son's book, as I read these lines by Jenny Craig, I was transported back to a time when I was a young student, about five or six years of age, small in size but big on dreams. I imagined myself being a famous painter, an accomplished pianist, a brilliant ballet/kathak dancer, a world-class singer, a legendary astronaut, ....! The list was endless. One of the things I fancied the most was drawing and painting. I would look forward to my art class. I would arrange my art notebook, crayons and paint-box neatly in my bag, and always left it there, just in case my teacher decided to have an impromptu art lesson! But soon, I lost interest in the class and I slowly, unconsciously, let go of my dream to be a famous artist.
As I look back, what I recollect is the fact that there were so many set rules for the class. Right from choosing the object or model that we had to draw, the way it had to be drawn, the colours we had to use, the size and shape it had to be, the kind of pencil, brush, paints we had to use, every little thing was pre-decided by the teacher. We just had to copy what was on the blackboard or on the teacher's desk, within the given parameters. The sun had to be a certain shade of orange or yellow (usually not the ones I visualized!), the trees, the river, the hut, the mountains, the birds, everything had to look the same as everybody else's! Wow! Isn't that incredible! We could make such brilliant reproductions of our teacher's artwork, we were almost an art factory! And we actually got marked on our fine reproductions, and received lots of praise from our respective parents and relatives!
And that is the day, art, creativity, imagination, emotion, individual thinking and expression, all died a sad death. And there was none the wiser for it, because we were all living up to our parents' and teachers' artistic image of us. It has been said so many times, more than one can remember, that when “The Scenery” of all the children in a class looks exactly the same, creativity is dead! Drawing the unique shape of an apple, in all its wondrous shades of green or red, as it's ripeness and juiciness almost jumps out of the page at us, NO, It's just not Allowed! Anyway, wasn't it just a hobby class, something we had to fit in among the more important language, math and science classes? Who needs great artists, we should only be great doctors, engineers, scientists, accountants, .... That list is also endless!
But those were the days, when we were very young, early in our lives, bursting with creative ideas, longing to express ourselves, it was then that we learned that we could and should not be thinking people. We have to reproduce others' thoughts, revisit others' places of creativity, re-walk the paths trodden by many before us, and re-create, re-assemble and re-organize others' creativity and originality into the new package of non-thinking, non-creative, unoriginal, anonymous people, that is us. We have been very successful,too, in becoming these individuals without any individuality!
The question now that I want to raise is, “Aren't we doing the same to our children?” What, then, does the future look like? I leave you with this food for thought.
Love and God bless.

TAKING BACK OUR ROLE

When I was a child, I thought to myself, “I can be a better parent and teacher than the ones I have.” Just to live up to my words has been such an uphill task, I now have a new-found respect and admiration for my parents, my teachers and everyone who is remotely associated with bringing up a child! For haven't we made all efforts to be effective parents? It has become an increasingly difficult struggle and we begin to lose our confidence.
I see a great need for parents to believe in themselves again and we need to learn how to regain our confidence and reclaim our rightful parental role as teachers to our children. For this we have to understand that we have forgotten our primary parental responsibility: It is to teach. We must teach our children not only to read and write, to do math, to pick up after themselves, but also principles and values, like how to respect themselves and others, be polite, responsible and happy.
We usually find ourselves either doing too much or too little for our children, or doing it at the wrong time. Although our intentions are well-meant, those of us who do too much to make life easy for our children, are crippling them by robbing them of the skills they will need to provide for themselves in the real world.We buy them everything they ask for, we do their homework, we give them no responsibility for chores. Then we wonder why they are so unmotivated, unproductive, morose and unhappy.
We profess to them that we have confidence in them, but our actions tell them differently. By doing everything for them, we are unwittingly convincing them that they are not capable enough and that struggle is to be avoided. But it is this struggle to reach goals, and the effort it takes to make dreams come true, is what gives real value to those goals and dreams. We are taking away their right to struggle for and own those rewards. We are turning them into self-indulgent individuals, incapable of taking on the realities of adulthood.
Those of us who do too little for our children also cripple them by robbing them of their childhood. We take away the magic, the wonder and discovery of being a child and force them into taking on adult responsibilities too soon. We are trying to prepare them for a harsh world, but leaving them with no real opportunity to just be children. Physically or emotionally, when we make our children's lives too hard, they want to avoid any other kind of struggle. Even as adults, they continually search for the childhood they never had, and they lose the incentive to struggle or have worthwhile goals and dreams. They are unable to believe in their own possibilities and resign themselves to failure and unhappiness.
Those of us in the third category, who are confused about when and how much to do, need to find the balance between the two. The best of our intentions alone will not raise a child. We need to let the results of our actions be the yardstick for measuring what and how much we need to change to achieve these goals.
But whichever category we find ourselves in, there is hope. But the parent's role is one that must be earned. To earn it, we must actually do the work. We must make the effort to change and practice. Stay positive!