Creating a Balance - Integration
The relationship between parent and child is the deepest, most intense and richest in all our human experience. As we watch our children grow from babyhood to adulthood, we experience the full spectrum of emotions, from the heights of joy to the depths of sorrow. Parenthood is so complex and the experiences we have in raising our children can be such a mixed bag. Through this column, my goal is to inspire, motivate, uplift, honour and counsel parents – to allow them to feel good about being parents and to help them know that during the difficult times, they are not alone.
From some of the correspondence that I have received, I have been amazed and touched by the feelings and the range of experiences that people have shared with me. I have heard about their joys, sorrows and complexities, their struggles and triumphs of being a parent, and some heart-felt thank-yous from some people who have been helped encouraged by these articles. In return, I want to extend a warm thank-you of my own to all of you for reading and encouraging me in my endeavour.
In my interactions with most of the readers, I have detected a certain sense of cluelessness about what to do and when, how much and why? Many people are doing things right, but it is more a lop-sided parenting, where few things are being dealt with well, but other very important areas are being neglected. Consequently, we are raising children who excel in some things and lag in others. Their behaviour sometimes even shocks the parents as it is completely unforeseen or unimagined. What I believe is lacking is an 'integration' in their development, which refers to the concerted and simultaneous development of all aspects of a child's personality through education, at home, school or in society. In our ancient treatises on the subject, this kind of development has also been referred to as 'yoga' (this word has many meanings, this being relevant here).
We, as parents, bide our time, letting the child be till he/she starts going to school and can begin 'education'. But education today is treated primarily as a stepping-stone to a vocation or profession, where excellence and achievement are the only benchmarks. It is used only to prepare a child to meet physical needs, and are provided only elementary mental (knowledge-related) skills. But this is completely neglecting the other aspects of an individual's personality. The need for integration is being felt now only because of a serious lack of it.
For example, the mind (the emotional aspect of our mental faculty) and the intellect (the thinking part of our mental faculty), often do not have the same goals or functions. But today's education system treats them on the same level. In fact, most educators are not even aware of the difference. Education has to cater to both these to create a balance in thinking and values. Because the mind seeks pleasure and fulfillment, while the intellect analyzes the consequences and morals of actions. Let us say, a child forgets to do his/her homework, the child often 'feels' that he/she should lie to get out of trouble. At the same time, the child's intellect 'thinks' that he/she should tell the truth and face the consequences. Every time, the mind wins the argument, the intellect is weakened. Over time, such an individual will succumb to all kinds of temptations and ruin his/her life. Bringing about a balance in all these aspects is integration. But our systems are not equipped to deal with this kind of education.
There are four basic aspents of integrated development, physical, mental, intellectual and spiritual development. The physical development includes right diet, personal and ambient cleanliness, adequate exercise and rest, and a disciplined daily routine. The mental and intellectual areas need healthy surroundings and relationships with humans, objects and other beings, knowledge and a love of learning, good, fulfilling and creative thinking, and opportunities where such thoughts may be applied. The spiritual or 'food for the soul' is developing a relationship with God, expanding one's outlook and perspective, embracing and practicing God's qualities of love, compassion and courage, inner cleansing and refinement, and an enquiry into the fundamental questions about life and oneself. If a child is exposed to all of these, he/she benefits in a deep and lasting manner and the larger purpose of education is fulfilled. On the other hand, conflicts in decision-making and wrong judgement are due to these different layers of the personality being at cross-purposes.
During the coming weeks, I would like to go in-depth into each of these aspects, offering practical solutions, with reasons, with the hope that you will find your 'answers' as well as a 'path' in them.
My belief is that we were given our children to be their caregivers and educators, and we have been given the responsibility to help them grow up in the 'image of God Himself'. We have hard work ahead but we have been blessed with loving hearts and hands, which make parenting a joyous task. The seed, which God planted in our hearts, from the moment we conceived our children, is called parenting and as we delve deeper into our roles, every day is a new discovery. We dream dreams and want our children to touch the stars. Can we commit ourselves to doing whatever it takes to raise them right?
Saturday, June 12, 2010
EDUCATION – WHAT WE HAVE AND WHAT WE CAN
What's happening to our world today? And whose responsibility is it? Is it the responsibility of the 'super-powers' of the world, the rich people, people with resources, time or energy, the NGOs, people with a cause or a 'bone to pick', 'holy' or spiritual people, social workers or political leaders? What does it have to do with me? What can I do about it? Most of us have this attitude when it comes to social, national or world issues. I see it as our 'vision' or the lack of it. “Yatha Drishti Tatha Srishti” - It says what our vision is, so the world seems to us. To the ones with a narrow vision, only their immediate or direct issues will matter, and the world will seem a separate entity, while to the ones with a vast vision, personal troubles and difficulties will look miniscule compared to the infinite nature of the world and its problems. Each of us is consistently in search of greater peace and happiness. We want ownership but no responsibility. But is that really the way to go?
In order to achieve real peace, happiness and success, we need the 'right vision' to take us closer to our goals. In turn, we need to pass on the gift of this vision to our children, who will one day determine the role of humanity on earth. We will, thus, enable them to make success and joy a spontaneous outcome of their love and service to humanity.
“When we sit down and try to analyze how to re-mould and recast our future, we see that it is certainly through the children of today who are going to be the leaders of tomorrow. And we must supply them with the vision. We have to take responsibility for moulding and beautifying the child, prepare him to face the world of tomorrow and to lead and guide the world of the future.”
Having been a part of the education, or let us say, academic system of ours for many years, I realized that today's academic system is merely a lot of 'information' on many subjects. Despite having worked in the corporate world for some time, I gave it up to be a teacher, having realized and discovered through various experiences in my life that I was meant to be one. I had found my vocation, my 'calling', and the thrill of being around children, the constant activity and buzz, the exchange of ideas, I loved all of it! But soon, I realized that the potential and 'inner knowledge' of these children was far greater than what we were trying to 'teach' them. It became a frustrating experience for me, for the things I wanted to do with them and the techniques I instinctively felt would be right, were not appreciated in our regular school systems. Exams and degrees can make anyone 'literate' but is that real 'education'? I believe that only an education that deals with academics and well as 'man-making' can be the real one. It has to be a broader and more comprehensive 'education with a vision'. It should not hold only academic excellence as its benchmark of achievement. On the other hand, any system of education (no matter how grand the philosophy behind it) can only work in our current world scenario if it is practical, realistic and in consonance with today's competitive nature of society.
This is where the 'vision' comes in. The greater purpose of education is the 'transformation' of the individual. So what we need is a judicious combination of academics with cultural and value education. Learning cannot be separated from spiritual principles. It is a sublime, spiritual act, one which men have been known to sacrifice everything for. A balanced system can bring about economic self-reliance along with inner balance and strength as well. This helps prepare the ground for a vast, noble, vision of life to unfold in our children, helping them to evolve into men and women of outstanding and lasting character and achievement. “To bring out the divinity or potentialities within us is education.”
But we all know that this is more a Utopian situation than a possibility. But instead of just waiting for things to happen, we can do our part in providing a more holistic and well-rounded education to our children. Ajay and I have come across some wonderful systems and techniques over the years. What has driven this exploration and discovery is a deep sense of concern and responsibility for ours and other children around us. These simple, yet amazingly powerful physical and spiritual techniques can and have shown remarkable results. Our constant endeavour is to share all that we have learned in any way that we can. One such endeavour is 'Life Express', where we have regular counselling sessions, and another is through these write-ups. Over the next few weeks, I would like to focus on these exercises and techniques and hope you will benefit from my experiences. So long!
What's happening to our world today? And whose responsibility is it? Is it the responsibility of the 'super-powers' of the world, the rich people, people with resources, time or energy, the NGOs, people with a cause or a 'bone to pick', 'holy' or spiritual people, social workers or political leaders? What does it have to do with me? What can I do about it? Most of us have this attitude when it comes to social, national or world issues. I see it as our 'vision' or the lack of it. “Yatha Drishti Tatha Srishti” - It says what our vision is, so the world seems to us. To the ones with a narrow vision, only their immediate or direct issues will matter, and the world will seem a separate entity, while to the ones with a vast vision, personal troubles and difficulties will look miniscule compared to the infinite nature of the world and its problems. Each of us is consistently in search of greater peace and happiness. We want ownership but no responsibility. But is that really the way to go?
In order to achieve real peace, happiness and success, we need the 'right vision' to take us closer to our goals. In turn, we need to pass on the gift of this vision to our children, who will one day determine the role of humanity on earth. We will, thus, enable them to make success and joy a spontaneous outcome of their love and service to humanity.
“When we sit down and try to analyze how to re-mould and recast our future, we see that it is certainly through the children of today who are going to be the leaders of tomorrow. And we must supply them with the vision. We have to take responsibility for moulding and beautifying the child, prepare him to face the world of tomorrow and to lead and guide the world of the future.”
Having been a part of the education, or let us say, academic system of ours for many years, I realized that today's academic system is merely a lot of 'information' on many subjects. Despite having worked in the corporate world for some time, I gave it up to be a teacher, having realized and discovered through various experiences in my life that I was meant to be one. I had found my vocation, my 'calling', and the thrill of being around children, the constant activity and buzz, the exchange of ideas, I loved all of it! But soon, I realized that the potential and 'inner knowledge' of these children was far greater than what we were trying to 'teach' them. It became a frustrating experience for me, for the things I wanted to do with them and the techniques I instinctively felt would be right, were not appreciated in our regular school systems. Exams and degrees can make anyone 'literate' but is that real 'education'? I believe that only an education that deals with academics and well as 'man-making' can be the real one. It has to be a broader and more comprehensive 'education with a vision'. It should not hold only academic excellence as its benchmark of achievement. On the other hand, any system of education (no matter how grand the philosophy behind it) can only work in our current world scenario if it is practical, realistic and in consonance with today's competitive nature of society.
This is where the 'vision' comes in. The greater purpose of education is the 'transformation' of the individual. So what we need is a judicious combination of academics with cultural and value education. Learning cannot be separated from spiritual principles. It is a sublime, spiritual act, one which men have been known to sacrifice everything for. A balanced system can bring about economic self-reliance along with inner balance and strength as well. This helps prepare the ground for a vast, noble, vision of life to unfold in our children, helping them to evolve into men and women of outstanding and lasting character and achievement. “To bring out the divinity or potentialities within us is education.”
But we all know that this is more a Utopian situation than a possibility. But instead of just waiting for things to happen, we can do our part in providing a more holistic and well-rounded education to our children. Ajay and I have come across some wonderful systems and techniques over the years. What has driven this exploration and discovery is a deep sense of concern and responsibility for ours and other children around us. These simple, yet amazingly powerful physical and spiritual techniques can and have shown remarkable results. Our constant endeavour is to share all that we have learned in any way that we can. One such endeavour is 'Life Express', where we have regular counselling sessions, and another is through these write-ups. Over the next few weeks, I would like to focus on these exercises and techniques and hope you will benefit from my experiences. So long!
OF TREES, BIRDS AND BUTTERFLIES
Recently, my family and I attended a meeting of the “Citizens For Green Doon', having been invited by a friend who is an active member of the group. We were asked if we would want to be a part and we readily agreed. They are playing a very proactive role in saving the trees in Dehradun, some even a century old, which are being indiscriminately and criminally cut down in the name of progress and development. Most of them have been cut down unnecessarily, them having not been in the way at all. Driving down the city, our children and us would often discuss how harmful and cruel this was, and why we need to conserve and protect our trees and environment. Even as a small boy of 2, my oldest son and I would have these discussions, and ever since then, he has been committed to the cause of saving the environment! He even wants to grow up and work towards this cause. Once the seed has been planted, he now makes a great effort to educate his younger siblings and friends (even our friends!) about this, things like saving trees, species of animals, birds and insects, pollution, saving water, banning use of fireworks, rainwater harvesting, you name it and he has educated himself on these subjects on his own and is committed to the cause. What I mean to say is that once our children get aware, their innate sensitivity and love of Nature makes them feel responsible towards it. Where there is love, caring, nurturing and protecting is spontaneous.
The nature and subject of this topic is vast. So in this issue, let us only talk about our immediate surroundings in Doon. Nature is availabLe to us here in the way of trees, many species of birds, animals, butterflies and insects, water bodies and mountains, hills and valleys. Children can be led from their youngest years to wonder at everything they come across, to feel the divine oneness in creation, and to see the presence of God in everything. Once they learn to regard the things of Nature with awe, reverence and wonderment, they will never do anything against it. Nature walks with children can aid in appreciating the beauty and divinity in all things, for example the brilliant colours in birds, butterflies, insects and flowers, the verdant shades of the trees and plants, the dance of the peacock, the swiftness of the deer, the stride of the leopard, etc. To create awareness about trees, we can talk to them about the uses of trees, what happens when one tree or whole forests are cut down. We can tell them about Nature's selfless service to mankind, and how we can return its kindness by saving and protecting it.
Many concrete ways to help children develop a kinship with Nature are: Going on nature walks, planting saplings, talking about and implementing ways to save paper and water, making paper bags with newspapers and notebooks with leftover pages, looking at pictures and reading stories about Nature's goodness and people being kind to animals and plants, making school projects with natural materials like clay, sticks, leaves, grains, etc,, asking children about how they intend to be kind to Nature, visit to farms to see rural life to understand how to live with Nature. All these measures will create a need in children to cherish and protect nature. Society today has desensitized itself to these issues, but it is now time to wake up and look around at what we have destroyed, and then commit ourselves to saving what we still have. As human beings, we are not alone on this earth. We share an integral an organic relationship with everyone and everything around us. It is vital for our planet's survival that we see ourselves as part of this creation – what we destroy and cut down will destroy us; what we build up will support us.
I believe our children will play a leading and instrumental role in restoring and conserving Nature, provided we educate them from now on about it. At the children's centre we run, we are constantly raising these issues with the children about this, trying to create an awareness and sensitivity in them. We have witnessed a remarkable shift in them towards Nature and its problems. As a part of the summer activities, we will take the children to visit farm and forest areas, both in the hills and plains, and for Nature camps, where they will see the birds, butterflies and insects in their habitats, learn their names and their habits, listen to their sounds, learn about the various species of trees and animals in our region, interact with villagers and farm animals, watch the flowing stream, all in all, a day of learning through fun with the biggest teacher, Nature itself! I am eagerly looking forward to these trips, where there is lot of nourishment and revival for the spirit, a peace which only being with Nature can provide, as we feel surrounded by her motherly, loving arms. I hope this will egg you on to make your own plans with your children, go out into the forests and hills, watch the sheer magnificence and beauty, and come back feeling awed and refreshed. And while you are there, among the trees, stretch out your arms in a loving embrace and make a promise, along with your children, to love, protect and cherish these gifts of Nature, always. More in the next blog! Until then!
Recently, my family and I attended a meeting of the “Citizens For Green Doon', having been invited by a friend who is an active member of the group. We were asked if we would want to be a part and we readily agreed. They are playing a very proactive role in saving the trees in Dehradun, some even a century old, which are being indiscriminately and criminally cut down in the name of progress and development. Most of them have been cut down unnecessarily, them having not been in the way at all. Driving down the city, our children and us would often discuss how harmful and cruel this was, and why we need to conserve and protect our trees and environment. Even as a small boy of 2, my oldest son and I would have these discussions, and ever since then, he has been committed to the cause of saving the environment! He even wants to grow up and work towards this cause. Once the seed has been planted, he now makes a great effort to educate his younger siblings and friends (even our friends!) about this, things like saving trees, species of animals, birds and insects, pollution, saving water, banning use of fireworks, rainwater harvesting, you name it and he has educated himself on these subjects on his own and is committed to the cause. What I mean to say is that once our children get aware, their innate sensitivity and love of Nature makes them feel responsible towards it. Where there is love, caring, nurturing and protecting is spontaneous.
The nature and subject of this topic is vast. So in this issue, let us only talk about our immediate surroundings in Doon. Nature is availabLe to us here in the way of trees, many species of birds, animals, butterflies and insects, water bodies and mountains, hills and valleys. Children can be led from their youngest years to wonder at everything they come across, to feel the divine oneness in creation, and to see the presence of God in everything. Once they learn to regard the things of Nature with awe, reverence and wonderment, they will never do anything against it. Nature walks with children can aid in appreciating the beauty and divinity in all things, for example the brilliant colours in birds, butterflies, insects and flowers, the verdant shades of the trees and plants, the dance of the peacock, the swiftness of the deer, the stride of the leopard, etc. To create awareness about trees, we can talk to them about the uses of trees, what happens when one tree or whole forests are cut down. We can tell them about Nature's selfless service to mankind, and how we can return its kindness by saving and protecting it.
Many concrete ways to help children develop a kinship with Nature are: Going on nature walks, planting saplings, talking about and implementing ways to save paper and water, making paper bags with newspapers and notebooks with leftover pages, looking at pictures and reading stories about Nature's goodness and people being kind to animals and plants, making school projects with natural materials like clay, sticks, leaves, grains, etc,, asking children about how they intend to be kind to Nature, visit to farms to see rural life to understand how to live with Nature. All these measures will create a need in children to cherish and protect nature. Society today has desensitized itself to these issues, but it is now time to wake up and look around at what we have destroyed, and then commit ourselves to saving what we still have. As human beings, we are not alone on this earth. We share an integral an organic relationship with everyone and everything around us. It is vital for our planet's survival that we see ourselves as part of this creation – what we destroy and cut down will destroy us; what we build up will support us.
I believe our children will play a leading and instrumental role in restoring and conserving Nature, provided we educate them from now on about it. At the children's centre we run, we are constantly raising these issues with the children about this, trying to create an awareness and sensitivity in them. We have witnessed a remarkable shift in them towards Nature and its problems. As a part of the summer activities, we will take the children to visit farm and forest areas, both in the hills and plains, and for Nature camps, where they will see the birds, butterflies and insects in their habitats, learn their names and their habits, listen to their sounds, learn about the various species of trees and animals in our region, interact with villagers and farm animals, watch the flowing stream, all in all, a day of learning through fun with the biggest teacher, Nature itself! I am eagerly looking forward to these trips, where there is lot of nourishment and revival for the spirit, a peace which only being with Nature can provide, as we feel surrounded by her motherly, loving arms. I hope this will egg you on to make your own plans with your children, go out into the forests and hills, watch the sheer magnificence and beauty, and come back feeling awed and refreshed. And while you are there, among the trees, stretch out your arms in a loving embrace and make a promise, along with your children, to love, protect and cherish these gifts of Nature, always. More in the next blog! Until then!
FATHERS,ATTENTION PLEASE!
Being a father today has moved way beyond the traditional role of provider or dispenser of discipline to be sensitively involved and nurturing. But even the most dedicated of fathers are finding it difficult today because of career constraints, personal lifestyles as well as a lack of rules and guidelines. The role has become more open-ended, thus more confusing, but with courage and commitment, fathers can connect with their children better and have a profound influence on their emotional, social and intellectual development. Mothers and fathers interact with their children in completely unique and different ways; these are not equal or interchangeable. Both kinds of contribution are required for the balanced development of a child.
Let's start at the beginning. Research tells us that fathers who bond with their child right from its conception and birth, tend to be much closer to them throughout the years. If your wife is pregnant, you can spend more time with her. Listening to good music, reading, talking lovingly about the baby, all this results in a relatively stress-free pregnancy and the baby can already get the good vibes! Try to keep office work to a minimum around the time the baby is born, to help your wife prepare both mentally and physically for its arrival (remember your house is going to be a big mess in the first few days!) So being prepared in advance is a great idea. Also take a few days leave after the baby is home, so that you can help your wife, practice parenting skills and overcome your anxieties about handling the wriggling bundle in your arms! Fathers need not be afraid of hurting the baby or making it stop crying, you will soon get the hang of it. The later you start, the longer it'll take to master. Be a part of the process. Your wife and you can make a schedule of the time and duration of your time with the baby and then the growing child. In the child's routine, pick up some activities like playing, singing, reading, bathing, feeding a meal or two, so you have time with the child, and your wife has time to herself or to go out for some fresh air or grocery shopping! You will soon get tuned to your baby's needs, be able to read the signals, and this will build not only your confidence but also your bond with the baby. Mothers should be sensitive here not to criticize the father's style or approach, and handle the issue lovingly and sensitively.
In their growing years, children need different kinds of attention. For example, when they are just learning to walk, they are exploring, so you can assist them by showing them new things, people, trees, houses, insects, different foods on their plate, things to be or not to be touched – the list is endless! A few years later, they get into rough physical games which you can play with them, rolling on the ground or bed, throw and catch, hide and seek, etc. In all these activities, you can have a loving but firm underlying note of discipline. They will soon learn their boundaries and coming from you, they will develop a sense of respect for you. It has been noted that children learn very complex sets of interactive skills from their fathers. Like they 'read' the father's emotions through his facial expressions, tone of voice and body language, and eventually learn to 'listen' to their own emotions. They are able to communicate their emotions better and to understand those of other people. When children are able to have this emotional mastery, they successfully cope with them through various stages of life, manage frustration, become good at problem solving and are more adventurous in their pre-teen and teen years. Till the time they get to their pre-teens, they are very open to physical affection, hugging, cuddling, tickling, etc. So go ahead and indulge with them in these years. You can help them with their homework, their little personal tiffs with friends and siblings. Your bond will become stronger if they see you as loving and reasonable, even while being strict and demanding discipline.
Now, once they get into their pre-teen and teen years, fathers get completely flummoxed as to how to deal with their children. It is a difficult phase of life for them (let us not make this about us!). They go through a whole lot of physical and hormonal changes, leading to emotional and sometimes mental imbalances. Believe me, they are not out to 'get' you, they are just going through a myriad changes, and not knowing how to deal with any of them! My best advice in this stage would be, I hope you've done your work before they reached this stage! If you have provided them with a sense of balance and discipline before their teens, they will somehow keep coming back to it, despite their careening this way and that. If they have always seen you as an interested father, they will listen to a few words of advice (not orders!) from you. It would be a good idea to talk to them offering suggestions, without pressure, about their career choices, their physical changes, their romantic interests, sex issues, etc. Do let them know that you are not being judgemental, just parental. It is highly recommended to visit a good counsellor with your wife on how to impart sex education to your children. Let them also go through career workshops, adventure activities, music classes, supervised get-togethers with friends, etc. All these will help to dissipate negative emotions and give them a sense of freedom. Be sure to talk to them about issues of addiction, drugs and narcotics also, again after talking to a counsellor. At this stage, you will need to understand their frustration and repressed emotions, and be more a friend than a strict father to them. They will surely appreciate this effort throughout their lives.
We will talk about the various growing stages of a child in lots of upcoming issues with reference to both parents, so stay tuned. Be a firm, fair and fun dad!
Being a father today has moved way beyond the traditional role of provider or dispenser of discipline to be sensitively involved and nurturing. But even the most dedicated of fathers are finding it difficult today because of career constraints, personal lifestyles as well as a lack of rules and guidelines. The role has become more open-ended, thus more confusing, but with courage and commitment, fathers can connect with their children better and have a profound influence on their emotional, social and intellectual development. Mothers and fathers interact with their children in completely unique and different ways; these are not equal or interchangeable. Both kinds of contribution are required for the balanced development of a child.
Let's start at the beginning. Research tells us that fathers who bond with their child right from its conception and birth, tend to be much closer to them throughout the years. If your wife is pregnant, you can spend more time with her. Listening to good music, reading, talking lovingly about the baby, all this results in a relatively stress-free pregnancy and the baby can already get the good vibes! Try to keep office work to a minimum around the time the baby is born, to help your wife prepare both mentally and physically for its arrival (remember your house is going to be a big mess in the first few days!) So being prepared in advance is a great idea. Also take a few days leave after the baby is home, so that you can help your wife, practice parenting skills and overcome your anxieties about handling the wriggling bundle in your arms! Fathers need not be afraid of hurting the baby or making it stop crying, you will soon get the hang of it. The later you start, the longer it'll take to master. Be a part of the process. Your wife and you can make a schedule of the time and duration of your time with the baby and then the growing child. In the child's routine, pick up some activities like playing, singing, reading, bathing, feeding a meal or two, so you have time with the child, and your wife has time to herself or to go out for some fresh air or grocery shopping! You will soon get tuned to your baby's needs, be able to read the signals, and this will build not only your confidence but also your bond with the baby. Mothers should be sensitive here not to criticize the father's style or approach, and handle the issue lovingly and sensitively.
In their growing years, children need different kinds of attention. For example, when they are just learning to walk, they are exploring, so you can assist them by showing them new things, people, trees, houses, insects, different foods on their plate, things to be or not to be touched – the list is endless! A few years later, they get into rough physical games which you can play with them, rolling on the ground or bed, throw and catch, hide and seek, etc. In all these activities, you can have a loving but firm underlying note of discipline. They will soon learn their boundaries and coming from you, they will develop a sense of respect for you. It has been noted that children learn very complex sets of interactive skills from their fathers. Like they 'read' the father's emotions through his facial expressions, tone of voice and body language, and eventually learn to 'listen' to their own emotions. They are able to communicate their emotions better and to understand those of other people. When children are able to have this emotional mastery, they successfully cope with them through various stages of life, manage frustration, become good at problem solving and are more adventurous in their pre-teen and teen years. Till the time they get to their pre-teens, they are very open to physical affection, hugging, cuddling, tickling, etc. So go ahead and indulge with them in these years. You can help them with their homework, their little personal tiffs with friends and siblings. Your bond will become stronger if they see you as loving and reasonable, even while being strict and demanding discipline.
Now, once they get into their pre-teen and teen years, fathers get completely flummoxed as to how to deal with their children. It is a difficult phase of life for them (let us not make this about us!). They go through a whole lot of physical and hormonal changes, leading to emotional and sometimes mental imbalances. Believe me, they are not out to 'get' you, they are just going through a myriad changes, and not knowing how to deal with any of them! My best advice in this stage would be, I hope you've done your work before they reached this stage! If you have provided them with a sense of balance and discipline before their teens, they will somehow keep coming back to it, despite their careening this way and that. If they have always seen you as an interested father, they will listen to a few words of advice (not orders!) from you. It would be a good idea to talk to them offering suggestions, without pressure, about their career choices, their physical changes, their romantic interests, sex issues, etc. Do let them know that you are not being judgemental, just parental. It is highly recommended to visit a good counsellor with your wife on how to impart sex education to your children. Let them also go through career workshops, adventure activities, music classes, supervised get-togethers with friends, etc. All these will help to dissipate negative emotions and give them a sense of freedom. Be sure to talk to them about issues of addiction, drugs and narcotics also, again after talking to a counsellor. At this stage, you will need to understand their frustration and repressed emotions, and be more a friend than a strict father to them. They will surely appreciate this effort throughout their lives.
We will talk about the various growing stages of a child in lots of upcoming issues with reference to both parents, so stay tuned. Be a firm, fair and fun dad!
FATHERHOOD - THE 'DARK' CONTINENT
I say this, because despite the thousands of manuals on parenting, being a father, is like living on a 'dark continent'. You just need a lot of love, commitment, luck and of course, courage! Fathers, over the ages, have been an integral part of the process of child rearing. Only from the 19th century onwards, when people moved away from homes to more industrialized towns, did the role of fathers diminish on this front. But two centuries later, society has changed, progressive thinking, equality and fairness are in, and gender biases are on their way out. So fathers, let's put it this way, your day has come! No more hiding behind chauvinism and 'what-will-people-think' attitudes. You need to renew your minds with new and fresh perspectives and responsible opinions. 'The old order passeth, giving way to new.'
If fathers have a 'man of the house' attitude, they tend to be aloof and uncommunicative, and become an object of terror for their own children. Their children keep away from them, so as not to 'disturb' or 'upset' them, and this only results in fear-driven, imbalanced and unsuccessful relationships between fathers and children. One of the most important aspects of being a good parent is how you treat your spouse. If you are loving, warm, receptive and communicative with her, your children will automatically draw positive vibes from you and will in turn have a healthy relationship with you and later, with other people. In case of the opposite, they will also grow into stereotypical mindsets, boys with 'lord and master' attitudes' and girls will adopt 'subservient' roles. If we want the best for them, we have to start with ourselves.
Fathers can be a great positive influence in child upbringing and development from infancy through adulthood. Research has consistently shown that where fathers are involved in childcare and education, the children's verbal ability, intellectual development, school grades and relationships are much better than those whose fathers do not read and play with them or are not involved. Right from infancy, children seek the proximity of their fathers. All three of our children show a special pattern of attachment to Ajay and are only satisfied when he does those activities with them. Things like hugging and cuddling, rough-and-tumble games, puzzles, reading at bedtime, bath-time and of course, giving him a full account of all that happened to them during the day! They always play together with abandonment, while with me they do their studies, reading, eating their meals, etc. What we have discovered is that any physically-intensive things are best enjoyed with Ajay and the quieter activities requiring listening and counselling are best done with me.
How Ajay is able to do this is by both of us first clearly defining what and when needs to be done with the children in a regular schedule, and then dividing it up into tasks according to which parent the children enjoy it most with. Of course, his and my work schedule also has to be worked into it, though we prefer to work our schedules according to the children's schedule. The two older children are school-going, so they have schedules of study and homework, which I mostly handle. Our youngest daughter is just two, so she needs someone around all the time, like at meals, sleeping, etc., so I handle those, though Ajay tries to give her one meal a day as also to the older two. Eating one meal together with the whole family is a very good idea. He gives them baths and tells them stories at bedtime. He also plays some games with them either before school or after dinner.
In all, what works is to have a regular schedule, shared duties and responsibilities, being disciplined ourselves, and of course, staying away from television and mobile phones! A lot of people find this very tough to do (we also did initially!), but a firm resolve helped, and believe me, it leaves us with time to do everything and some to spare. Cutting out things which are non-productive or not good for us gives us more time for our jobs and children. A regular schedule of little exercise, meditation, reading, etc. helps us to stay away from stress and to cope with the pressures of our busy lives. It sounds pretty simple here, but it has taken us a lot of thinking, effort and determination to get this far.
What children need is not just our presence but also our awareness, somehing which fathers find it more difficult to do. But guys, this is your only chance, soon they'll grow up and move out! Be a FUN DAD- Encourage the children to play physical and mental games, and let them potter around the house and do small chores. Applaud them for their achievements, however small. Create an atmosphere of laughter and general 'fooling around.' Be a FAIR DAD- Endorse and respect limits that you set for the children, and ensure that the children are given fair chances to measure up to your expectations- they should not feel cornered or bullied. Be honest to accept your mistakes to them, and let them see you as 'human', also learning that it is alright to be wrong, acknowledge it and then fix it. Be fair to all, treat them equally, and never pacify one (usually the one who throws tantrums!) at the cost of the other. Be an INVOLVED DAD- Be there for your children's performances, PTAs, school events, games and activities. The more time they spend with you, the lesser the dangers of 'falling' into bad things as they find it easier to talk to you. Help them with their studies or problems they may be facing in school or personally.
For all these things, you will also have to 'grow up' and take true responsibility, not just as a provider but also as care-giver. Our need to do something important and enduring is built into us by nature. And what better way than to do it with our children, something that will go into posterity.
I say this, because despite the thousands of manuals on parenting, being a father, is like living on a 'dark continent'. You just need a lot of love, commitment, luck and of course, courage! Fathers, over the ages, have been an integral part of the process of child rearing. Only from the 19th century onwards, when people moved away from homes to more industrialized towns, did the role of fathers diminish on this front. But two centuries later, society has changed, progressive thinking, equality and fairness are in, and gender biases are on their way out. So fathers, let's put it this way, your day has come! No more hiding behind chauvinism and 'what-will-people-think' attitudes. You need to renew your minds with new and fresh perspectives and responsible opinions. 'The old order passeth, giving way to new.'
If fathers have a 'man of the house' attitude, they tend to be aloof and uncommunicative, and become an object of terror for their own children. Their children keep away from them, so as not to 'disturb' or 'upset' them, and this only results in fear-driven, imbalanced and unsuccessful relationships between fathers and children. One of the most important aspects of being a good parent is how you treat your spouse. If you are loving, warm, receptive and communicative with her, your children will automatically draw positive vibes from you and will in turn have a healthy relationship with you and later, with other people. In case of the opposite, they will also grow into stereotypical mindsets, boys with 'lord and master' attitudes' and girls will adopt 'subservient' roles. If we want the best for them, we have to start with ourselves.
Fathers can be a great positive influence in child upbringing and development from infancy through adulthood. Research has consistently shown that where fathers are involved in childcare and education, the children's verbal ability, intellectual development, school grades and relationships are much better than those whose fathers do not read and play with them or are not involved. Right from infancy, children seek the proximity of their fathers. All three of our children show a special pattern of attachment to Ajay and are only satisfied when he does those activities with them. Things like hugging and cuddling, rough-and-tumble games, puzzles, reading at bedtime, bath-time and of course, giving him a full account of all that happened to them during the day! They always play together with abandonment, while with me they do their studies, reading, eating their meals, etc. What we have discovered is that any physically-intensive things are best enjoyed with Ajay and the quieter activities requiring listening and counselling are best done with me.
How Ajay is able to do this is by both of us first clearly defining what and when needs to be done with the children in a regular schedule, and then dividing it up into tasks according to which parent the children enjoy it most with. Of course, his and my work schedule also has to be worked into it, though we prefer to work our schedules according to the children's schedule. The two older children are school-going, so they have schedules of study and homework, which I mostly handle. Our youngest daughter is just two, so she needs someone around all the time, like at meals, sleeping, etc., so I handle those, though Ajay tries to give her one meal a day as also to the older two. Eating one meal together with the whole family is a very good idea. He gives them baths and tells them stories at bedtime. He also plays some games with them either before school or after dinner.
In all, what works is to have a regular schedule, shared duties and responsibilities, being disciplined ourselves, and of course, staying away from television and mobile phones! A lot of people find this very tough to do (we also did initially!), but a firm resolve helped, and believe me, it leaves us with time to do everything and some to spare. Cutting out things which are non-productive or not good for us gives us more time for our jobs and children. A regular schedule of little exercise, meditation, reading, etc. helps us to stay away from stress and to cope with the pressures of our busy lives. It sounds pretty simple here, but it has taken us a lot of thinking, effort and determination to get this far.
What children need is not just our presence but also our awareness, somehing which fathers find it more difficult to do. But guys, this is your only chance, soon they'll grow up and move out! Be a FUN DAD- Encourage the children to play physical and mental games, and let them potter around the house and do small chores. Applaud them for their achievements, however small. Create an atmosphere of laughter and general 'fooling around.' Be a FAIR DAD- Endorse and respect limits that you set for the children, and ensure that the children are given fair chances to measure up to your expectations- they should not feel cornered or bullied. Be honest to accept your mistakes to them, and let them see you as 'human', also learning that it is alright to be wrong, acknowledge it and then fix it. Be fair to all, treat them equally, and never pacify one (usually the one who throws tantrums!) at the cost of the other. Be an INVOLVED DAD- Be there for your children's performances, PTAs, school events, games and activities. The more time they spend with you, the lesser the dangers of 'falling' into bad things as they find it easier to talk to you. Help them with their studies or problems they may be facing in school or personally.
For all these things, you will also have to 'grow up' and take true responsibility, not just as a provider but also as care-giver. Our need to do something important and enduring is built into us by nature. And what better way than to do it with our children, something that will go into posterity.
FATHER – A FIGURE OR FOR REAL?
Give him a day for his very own, just one small boy and his Dad alone,
A walk in the woods, a romp in the park, a fishing trip from dawn to dark,
Give the gifts that only you can- the companionship of his old man.
Games are outgrown, and toys decay, but he'll never forget if you “Give him a day”.
Fathers can be the best playmates, 'care bears', funny companions, strong disciplinarians, compassionate listeners – the islands in the storm. Or they can be sulking intruders, aloof onlookers, irregular visitors, hard taskmasters and sometimes almost feudally chauvinistic! Most of the fathers reading this would identify with a few of the traits, most would be somewhere in the middle and some would say, “Well, I'm not like that!” Whatever your analysis, I'm sure your spouses would have something different to say! Anyway, most fathers in their lifetime tend to start from one end and work their way to the other. Kudos! Ajay and I have discovered that Men actually are from Mars while the Women inhabit Venus Most of the time. Of course there are trips to each others planets when we are trying to 'understand the other's point of view', but then we return to familiar territory! Well, all this is fine, but the children can never decide which planet to live on! So, Ajay & I have decided that in matters concerning the children, we'll all come to Planet Parent. How do you like that?!
Well, being a woman and having been brought up on lessons on how to be a 'good' wife and mother, it was comparatively easier for me to adapt to these new roles. Ajay, on the other hand, had never even heard of such things on Mars (well his mother and all lived on the other planet!), so it affected him pretty badly that he would now have to relocate! But to his credit (and my communication skills!), he soon acknowledged that things needed to change, and to his greater credit, he has consistently walked that path for more than eleven years! All in all, we are doing a good job with the children, all because he decided to be the father that they needed, and to restructure his life and priorities according to his status as a parent. A beautiful thing to watch in action! Our experience as parents has shown us that children need that balance of a father's reasoning and logic alongwith a mother's unconditional love, the 'fun' dad alongwith strictness, the fairness alongwith mollycoddling, the 'coolness' alongwith hard work, and the romping around alongwith the soft hugs.
Mothers relate to their children in a more soothing, loving and serious way, while fathers engage in more physically and mentally exciting games which stimulate the children. Mothers love to read aloud and play with toys with the children, whereas fathers have a more jocular and playful approach, thy love to throw the children up in the air and catch them, play pretend games of football and cricket, or just quiz them on spelling over a meal. This non-planned approach is very good for children alongwith the more organized approach of mothers. It keeps them on their toes and helps them to get sharper instincts.
But when it comes to parenting, fathers put on that superior air that says “I handle only important jobs”. They want others to believe that they are on this planet for great things and they would never want to compromise their mission by doing mundane chores like parenting, cooking, cleaning, etc. What they do not realize is that fatherhood is as deeply ingrained in men as motherhood is in women, and so we are again watching a huge wave washing over society, that of men reclaiming their roles in the fatherhood and domestic spheres. It is a welcome revival, as society is again receiving a refreshing balance and chauvinism seems to be on its way out! Most of us believe that God is a 'Father' and He, for sure, does not look down on His parenting duties! Imagine if He did that!
Research and history tells us that maternal dominance in child-rearing is not an age-old practice. Fathers had a huge role in childcare and they were considered very competent and responsible for this role. Most books and manuals on parenting were chiefly written for fathers. There were usually 'farming communities', so fathers were always around. Domestic duties were an integral part of a man's routine. It is only with the onset of the Industrial Revolution around the end of the 19th century that fathers had to move away to industrial towns and cities, hence taking them away from domestic and paternal duties.
So, all you caring and committed fathers out there, I'm convinced that if you are reading this, you are already a 'great' dad, and if you are a bit clueless about what to do, I'd like to help you along, with a few of my own experiences and a lot of pages from my husband, Ajay's Diary!! Till then, take care!
Give him a day for his very own, just one small boy and his Dad alone,
A walk in the woods, a romp in the park, a fishing trip from dawn to dark,
Give the gifts that only you can- the companionship of his old man.
Games are outgrown, and toys decay, but he'll never forget if you “Give him a day”.
Fathers can be the best playmates, 'care bears', funny companions, strong disciplinarians, compassionate listeners – the islands in the storm. Or they can be sulking intruders, aloof onlookers, irregular visitors, hard taskmasters and sometimes almost feudally chauvinistic! Most of the fathers reading this would identify with a few of the traits, most would be somewhere in the middle and some would say, “Well, I'm not like that!” Whatever your analysis, I'm sure your spouses would have something different to say! Anyway, most fathers in their lifetime tend to start from one end and work their way to the other. Kudos! Ajay and I have discovered that Men actually are from Mars while the Women inhabit Venus Most of the time. Of course there are trips to each others planets when we are trying to 'understand the other's point of view', but then we return to familiar territory! Well, all this is fine, but the children can never decide which planet to live on! So, Ajay & I have decided that in matters concerning the children, we'll all come to Planet Parent. How do you like that?!
Well, being a woman and having been brought up on lessons on how to be a 'good' wife and mother, it was comparatively easier for me to adapt to these new roles. Ajay, on the other hand, had never even heard of such things on Mars (well his mother and all lived on the other planet!), so it affected him pretty badly that he would now have to relocate! But to his credit (and my communication skills!), he soon acknowledged that things needed to change, and to his greater credit, he has consistently walked that path for more than eleven years! All in all, we are doing a good job with the children, all because he decided to be the father that they needed, and to restructure his life and priorities according to his status as a parent. A beautiful thing to watch in action! Our experience as parents has shown us that children need that balance of a father's reasoning and logic alongwith a mother's unconditional love, the 'fun' dad alongwith strictness, the fairness alongwith mollycoddling, the 'coolness' alongwith hard work, and the romping around alongwith the soft hugs.
Mothers relate to their children in a more soothing, loving and serious way, while fathers engage in more physically and mentally exciting games which stimulate the children. Mothers love to read aloud and play with toys with the children, whereas fathers have a more jocular and playful approach, thy love to throw the children up in the air and catch them, play pretend games of football and cricket, or just quiz them on spelling over a meal. This non-planned approach is very good for children alongwith the more organized approach of mothers. It keeps them on their toes and helps them to get sharper instincts.
But when it comes to parenting, fathers put on that superior air that says “I handle only important jobs”. They want others to believe that they are on this planet for great things and they would never want to compromise their mission by doing mundane chores like parenting, cooking, cleaning, etc. What they do not realize is that fatherhood is as deeply ingrained in men as motherhood is in women, and so we are again watching a huge wave washing over society, that of men reclaiming their roles in the fatherhood and domestic spheres. It is a welcome revival, as society is again receiving a refreshing balance and chauvinism seems to be on its way out! Most of us believe that God is a 'Father' and He, for sure, does not look down on His parenting duties! Imagine if He did that!
Research and history tells us that maternal dominance in child-rearing is not an age-old practice. Fathers had a huge role in childcare and they were considered very competent and responsible for this role. Most books and manuals on parenting were chiefly written for fathers. There were usually 'farming communities', so fathers were always around. Domestic duties were an integral part of a man's routine. It is only with the onset of the Industrial Revolution around the end of the 19th century that fathers had to move away to industrial towns and cities, hence taking them away from domestic and paternal duties.
So, all you caring and committed fathers out there, I'm convinced that if you are reading this, you are already a 'great' dad, and if you are a bit clueless about what to do, I'd like to help you along, with a few of my own experiences and a lot of pages from my husband, Ajay's Diary!! Till then, take care!
HOME OR CAREER?
Can working mothers be effective parents? Most career women will say, 'Of course'. But if we ask whether children of working mothers feel neglected or lag behind in their work, then the response would be a little cautious. Yet, why do mothers work? Most often, there is no choice as the family's income needs to be supplemented. But issues of self-image, personal satisfaction, social status, creative satisfaction, intelligent pursuits, are also a strong motivating factor in mothers wanting to step out of the 'housewife' role and image. It gives them a sense of purpose and achievement, and since today's women are dynamic, intelligent, strong and talented, they want to explore their own possibilities and realize their potential. This is a wonderful thing after years of oppression, and empowered women are any society's pillars of strength.
The only stumbling block here is that children get neglected in the process. But is this only in the case of working mothers? Are non-working mothers more efficient home-makers and better parents? We cannot generalize on any of these answers because even 'stay-at-home' mothers are sometimes busier than women with jobs, and the children still suffer. I feel what makes the difference is whether or not the parents have the commitment and competence to understand their responsibility and provide children what they need for healthy development. It is the quality of life you live. Whatever you choose, do it with the right intentions and the right reasons. Only when your motives get mixed up, or you lose sight of your vision, then guilt steps in and makes you feel inadequate. You feel guilty about doing injustice to your children, blame yourself for their shortcomings, and then try to cover up your guilt pangs by 'giving in' to their unreasonable demands and tantrums. Well, being out most of the time is bound to have some greater negative effects. We can't 'have our cake and eat it too'!
Guilt is non-productive, instead it is better to get a good analysis on our reasons for working outside the home. Once you decide to work, you need to get off the 'guilt wagon' and just prioritize chores, restructure schedules, assess your strengths and weaknesses, and find practical ways to achieve optimum performance on all fronts. But I suggest you take an honest look, if it is not really necessary to work, and your reasons lean more towards personal satisfaction, then you are conveniently trying to avoid your parental duties. It is not right to have children when we are not able to be good parents. Staying at home may be a compromise, but ceases to be a sacrifice when done out of love and deep commitment. If you decide to have a career, you are a great asset to society, and if you decide to stay at home and raise children, you may be an even greater asset if you do it well.
Balancing homes and careers can be a gruelling process, but with a sincere commitment and a good attitude, we can make it work. Here's what we can do:
The first thing to do would be to create a family support system, where other people like spouse, in-laws and parents can be involved. We work together as a team, pitching in as much as we can. Especially the spouses will need to share chores and responsibilities. The objective is to make the children feel protected and cared for at all times.
It would be good to develop good communication with your seniors in the office, so they are more receptive to your role as a mother, and show consideration about children's illnesses, doctor's appointments, school meetings, etc. This also means that you will need to show great integrity and commitment towards your work as well.
An important, yet sorely neglected, aspect is to stay in good form and health. Constant stress takes its toll on your physical and mental health. Along with periods of rest, 'active' relaxation is highly recommended. It means exercises which actually calm you and build endurance, like walking, cycling, swimming, running, etc. They make you feel good and control the ill-effects of stress. You would do well with yoga and meditation for rejuvenation, and periodic introspection. Sleeping well is an absolute must.
And last but not the least, spend as much time with your children as you possibly can. Getting up early in the morning leaves time for play or checking homework, or just eating breakfast together. You can check in with the children over the phone when they get back from school, reminding them lovingly of their chores, or just saying 'hello'. When you get back home, even if you are tired, you could listen to their day's events and problems, settling disputes and offering advice, just 'being around' as they play or study. Watching television or reading the newspaper takes your attention away from them, so you can do these after the children are in bed. You could eat with them, read to them before bedtime, and send them to bed early. Try not to get office-work back home, it gives you more time with your children and spouse. The priority is to give your time and attention when you are at home. The loving care that only a mother can provide is most essential for their emotional growth.
Can working mothers be effective parents? Most career women will say, 'Of course'. But if we ask whether children of working mothers feel neglected or lag behind in their work, then the response would be a little cautious. Yet, why do mothers work? Most often, there is no choice as the family's income needs to be supplemented. But issues of self-image, personal satisfaction, social status, creative satisfaction, intelligent pursuits, are also a strong motivating factor in mothers wanting to step out of the 'housewife' role and image. It gives them a sense of purpose and achievement, and since today's women are dynamic, intelligent, strong and talented, they want to explore their own possibilities and realize their potential. This is a wonderful thing after years of oppression, and empowered women are any society's pillars of strength.
The only stumbling block here is that children get neglected in the process. But is this only in the case of working mothers? Are non-working mothers more efficient home-makers and better parents? We cannot generalize on any of these answers because even 'stay-at-home' mothers are sometimes busier than women with jobs, and the children still suffer. I feel what makes the difference is whether or not the parents have the commitment and competence to understand their responsibility and provide children what they need for healthy development. It is the quality of life you live. Whatever you choose, do it with the right intentions and the right reasons. Only when your motives get mixed up, or you lose sight of your vision, then guilt steps in and makes you feel inadequate. You feel guilty about doing injustice to your children, blame yourself for their shortcomings, and then try to cover up your guilt pangs by 'giving in' to their unreasonable demands and tantrums. Well, being out most of the time is bound to have some greater negative effects. We can't 'have our cake and eat it too'!
Guilt is non-productive, instead it is better to get a good analysis on our reasons for working outside the home. Once you decide to work, you need to get off the 'guilt wagon' and just prioritize chores, restructure schedules, assess your strengths and weaknesses, and find practical ways to achieve optimum performance on all fronts. But I suggest you take an honest look, if it is not really necessary to work, and your reasons lean more towards personal satisfaction, then you are conveniently trying to avoid your parental duties. It is not right to have children when we are not able to be good parents. Staying at home may be a compromise, but ceases to be a sacrifice when done out of love and deep commitment. If you decide to have a career, you are a great asset to society, and if you decide to stay at home and raise children, you may be an even greater asset if you do it well.
Balancing homes and careers can be a gruelling process, but with a sincere commitment and a good attitude, we can make it work. Here's what we can do:
The first thing to do would be to create a family support system, where other people like spouse, in-laws and parents can be involved. We work together as a team, pitching in as much as we can. Especially the spouses will need to share chores and responsibilities. The objective is to make the children feel protected and cared for at all times.
It would be good to develop good communication with your seniors in the office, so they are more receptive to your role as a mother, and show consideration about children's illnesses, doctor's appointments, school meetings, etc. This also means that you will need to show great integrity and commitment towards your work as well.
An important, yet sorely neglected, aspect is to stay in good form and health. Constant stress takes its toll on your physical and mental health. Along with periods of rest, 'active' relaxation is highly recommended. It means exercises which actually calm you and build endurance, like walking, cycling, swimming, running, etc. They make you feel good and control the ill-effects of stress. You would do well with yoga and meditation for rejuvenation, and periodic introspection. Sleeping well is an absolute must.
And last but not the least, spend as much time with your children as you possibly can. Getting up early in the morning leaves time for play or checking homework, or just eating breakfast together. You can check in with the children over the phone when they get back from school, reminding them lovingly of their chores, or just saying 'hello'. When you get back home, even if you are tired, you could listen to their day's events and problems, settling disputes and offering advice, just 'being around' as they play or study. Watching television or reading the newspaper takes your attention away from them, so you can do these after the children are in bed. You could eat with them, read to them before bedtime, and send them to bed early. Try not to get office-work back home, it gives you more time with your children and spouse. The priority is to give your time and attention when you are at home. The loving care that only a mother can provide is most essential for their emotional growth.
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