FATHERHOOD - THE 'DARK' CONTINENT

I say this, because despite the thousands of manuals on parenting, being a father, is like living on a 'dark continent'. You just need a lot of love, commitment, luck and of course, courage! Fathers, over the ages, have been an integral part of the process of child rearing. Only from the 19th century onwards, when people moved away from homes to more industrialized towns, did the role of fathers diminish on this front. But two centuries later, society has changed, progressive thinking, equality and fairness are in, and gender biases are on their way out. So fathers, let's put it this way, your day has come! No more hiding behind chauvinism and 'what-will-people-think' attitudes. You need to renew your minds with new and fresh perspectives and responsible opinions. 'The old order passeth, giving way to new.'
If fathers have a 'man of the house' attitude, they tend to be aloof and uncommunicative, and become an object of terror for their own children. Their children keep away from them, so as not to 'disturb' or 'upset' them, and this only results in fear-driven, imbalanced and unsuccessful relationships between fathers and children. One of the most important aspects of being a good parent is how you treat your spouse. If you are loving, warm, receptive and communicative with her, your children will automatically draw positive vibes from you and will in turn have a healthy relationship with you and later, with other people. In case of the opposite, they will also grow into stereotypical mindsets, boys with 'lord and master' attitudes' and girls will adopt 'subservient' roles. If we want the best for them, we have to start with ourselves.
Fathers can be a great positive influence in child upbringing and development from infancy through adulthood. Research has consistently shown that where fathers are involved in childcare and education, the children's verbal ability, intellectual development, school grades and relationships are much better than those whose fathers do not read and play with them or are not involved. Right from infancy, children seek the proximity of their fathers. All three of our children show a special pattern of attachment to Ajay and are only satisfied when he does those activities with them. Things like hugging and cuddling, rough-and-tumble games, puzzles, reading at bedtime, bath-time and of course, giving him a full account of all that happened to them during the day! They always play together with abandonment, while with me they do their studies, reading, eating their meals, etc. What we have discovered is that any physically-intensive things are best enjoyed with Ajay and the quieter activities requiring listening and counselling are best done with me.
How Ajay is able to do this is by both of us first clearly defining what and when needs to be done with the children in a regular schedule, and then dividing it up into tasks according to which parent the children enjoy it most with. Of course, his and my work schedule also has to be worked into it, though we prefer to work our schedules according to the children's schedule. The two older children are school-going, so they have schedules of study and homework, which I mostly handle. Our youngest daughter is just two, so she needs someone around all the time, like at meals, sleeping, etc., so I handle those, though Ajay tries to give her one meal a day as also to the older two. Eating one meal together with the whole family is a very good idea. He gives them baths and tells them stories at bedtime. He also plays some games with them either before school or after dinner.
In all, what works is to have a regular schedule, shared duties and responsibilities, being disciplined ourselves, and of course, staying away from television and mobile phones! A lot of people find this very tough to do (we also did initially!), but a firm resolve helped, and believe me, it leaves us with time to do everything and some to spare. Cutting out things which are non-productive or not good for us gives us more time for our jobs and children. A regular schedule of little exercise, meditation, reading, etc. helps us to stay away from stress and to cope with the pressures of our busy lives. It sounds pretty simple here, but it has taken us a lot of thinking, effort and determination to get this far.
What children need is not just our presence but also our awareness, somehing which fathers find it more difficult to do. But guys, this is your only chance, soon they'll grow up and move out! Be a FUN DAD- Encourage the children to play physical and mental games, and let them potter around the house and do small chores. Applaud them for their achievements, however small. Create an atmosphere of laughter and general 'fooling around.' Be a FAIR DAD- Endorse and respect limits that you set for the children, and ensure that the children are given fair chances to measure up to your expectations- they should not feel cornered or bullied. Be honest to accept your mistakes to them, and let them see you as 'human', also learning that it is alright to be wrong, acknowledge it and then fix it. Be fair to all, treat them equally, and never pacify one (usually the one who throws tantrums!) at the cost of the other. Be an INVOLVED DAD- Be there for your children's performances, PTAs, school events, games and activities. The more time they spend with you, the lesser the dangers of 'falling' into bad things as they find it easier to talk to you. Help them with their studies or problems they may be facing in school or personally.
For all these things, you will also have to 'grow up' and take true responsibility, not just as a provider but also as care-giver. Our need to do something important and enduring is built into us by nature. And what better way than to do it with our children, something that will go into posterity.